sidisen

i figure we could all use some good laughs, post em if you got em

Bill Gates Comparing the Computer Industry to the Auto Industry And the Reply from General Motors

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same sized butt.
9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, you car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.

ruexp67

A man wakes up in a recovery room wearing an oxygen mask after a 4 hour long surgery. A student nurse is checking his vital signs.

He asks ner: "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

She looks puzzled and says, I am just checking your vital signs, your doctor will be in soon.

He asks again: "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

She sheepishly decides to check for him, so she pulls back the covers, and lifts the gown. She hold "big jim" in one hand and cups "the twins" in the other hand. Then puts everything back the way she found it and says "No, sir."

He pulls down the oxygen mask and says, "Thanks for that, but please listen carefully. Are my test results back?"

sidisen

What Not To Name Your Dog!

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I called mine SEX.
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City
Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex.
He said, "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He
said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't
understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have
been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took Sex with me. I
told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a
special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I
said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk
said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked why I was just standing
there looking around. I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest. He
told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand" I
said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for the custody
of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The
judge said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him.
A cop came over and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 2
o'clock in the morning?" I said, "Looking for Sex."

MY CASE COMES UP FRIDAY

sidisen

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMEN


COMPLIMENT HER,
RESPECT HER,
HONOUR HER,
CUDDLE HER,
KISS HER,
CARESS HER,
LOVE HER,
STROKE HER,
TEASE HER,
COMFORT HER,
PROTECT HER,
HUG HER,
HOLD HER,
SPEND MONEY ON HER,
WINE AND DINE HER,
BUY THINGS FOR HER,
LISTEN TO HER,
CARE FOR HER,
STAND BY HER,
SUPPORT HER,
HOLD HER,
GO TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH FOR HER,


HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN


SHOW UP NAKED,
BRING FOOD

ruexp67

I've seen that one before. Although, when I heard it was: "Bring Beer" instead of food.

Still works.

sidisen

yes, 'bring beer' would be better than food i think

ruexp67

I know I'd be impressed.

ruexp67

Actually I'd be REALLY REALLY impressed if she brought a 25-yr old bottle of Single Malt Scotch.






















And mabey a 25-yr old friend too.

sidisen

ap1chick

ugh! men!