AMERICAN JOURNALISM


Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O Canada " one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag Musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." !

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his fatigues, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings , and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"

"What!" replied the Marine, "And have you three Assholes report that I carried out an unprovoked attack?"

 

Sounds about right.

Just like the way the American Media did NOT REPORT the way that a shop keeper in Bahdag was "really" killed in August of 2006. His death was reported . But without the details that he was reteaving the head of a thirteen year old girl that was beheaded for being improperly dressed (What kind of people, be-head a thirteen year old girl?) When the shop keeper saw her head in the street he went to retieve it, it had been made into a make shift bomb that was remotely activatived killing him. This is the type of mentality that we are up against! :-(

 

I'm over 65 and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. (You can't be older than 35 to join the military.)


They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.



For starters:


Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.

Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.



Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts! I'm hungry! Where's the remote?"


An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to drink. The average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a beer and an M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. (Note there are 24 hours in a day and 24 bottles in a case...another convenient way to measure time!)


An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.



Old guys always get up early to pee.



If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.


Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we like soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns.



We like them almost better than naps




They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt now, "Get down and give me ... er . one."

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.


An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his shorts sticking out. He's hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda can rupture an eardrum, and that a baseball cap has a brim to shade eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.



Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

 

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main hallway and went to talk with the administrators. The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left.

A doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old an so he would stay upright. The old man started to tilt slowly to the right.

An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. The old man started to lean forward.

Then a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned, "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place?"

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart

 

Three golfers are teeing off at the 10th.

Just as the third is begining his backswing, a funeral procession drives down a road, far in the distance.

He quietly stops his swing, steps back from the ball, looks toward the funeral procession and removes his hat until the cars are out of sight.

His partners are speechless.. finally one says, "John, I'm impressed you show so much reverence for the dead".

John says,

"Hell, she was a damn good wife for 30 years."

 

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath.


The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he
did to have so much energy


The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."


So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you
have any rye bread?"


She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"


He said, "I want 5 loaves.


She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard"


He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this
shit but me

 

Subject: Redneck Vasectomy!!

Redneck Vasectomy
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they
could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin
didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry
bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to your ear and count to ten.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the
shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear
is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put
it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
"1"
"2"
"3
"4"

"5"
(you'll love this......)







At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed
counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Georgia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee,
Louisiana, Mississippi, Arkansas, Texas, Ohio, West Virginia and parts of
Upper Michigan

 

It's my understanding that the Army, through an act of Congress, has raised the maximum age of enlistment to forty four within the past year.

 

don't know if there's any truth to these, but they're still funny


8 morons of the year...

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter
after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received
a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence.


2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland CA spent two
hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside
his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them in the police line shouting, "Please
come out and give yourself up!"


3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,
kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated
teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts.


4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka KS Kwik Stop and asked for
all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so
he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three
hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me
all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I
said!"


6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My
wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is
this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is
her husband!"


7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto CA, Steven Richard King
was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a
weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately,
he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo!)


8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert an hour east of Bakersfield CA, some folks new to boating
were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get
their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of
trying to make it go , they putted into a nearby marina, thinking
someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough
topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The
engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was
the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the
water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing
so hard.
(NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.)
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place... was the trailer!

 

... not yet!!!!!!!!