Ckcrigger

Sorry for your loss.

I would respect her wishes.
Might seriously consider the family gathering.
If older generation isn't tech savvy, might alienate them from the web gathering.

Consider compiling historical information and pictures of her life for a tribute.
Scan them and make small, bound "remembrance books."

Mail them to people who can't make the gathering.
Post them on web site as well.

And a very humane option for your aunt is Hospice.
They will do a fantastic job of keeping her pain free and comfortable.
She will pass naturally, without tubes and lines.

Legal Bill

Dex, I have a slightly different issue to raise with you on this. I don't really give much weight to the wishes of the deceased in this regard as I don't much care for the idea of the deceased telling the living how to live, but that is just me. If the issue was about her estate and how it should be handled, that is a very different thing, but social events are not really in the control of the decesed, and I'm glad for that. The real issue to consider is if any of the living feel so strongly about following your aunt's wishes that they would be offended by such a gathering. If so, then you may be better off doing nothing to avoid family disharmony.

PokS2k

[QUOTE=Legal Bill,Sep 7 2004, 10:15 AM] Dex, I have a slightly different issue to raise with you on this.

Legal Bill

I guess I wasn't clear. Your body is part of your estate and I agree that what happens to it is your business. I guess my issue is with the dead telling the living how they should deal with the death as opposed to the arrangements for the body. I certainly would never try to tell people to gather or not to gather. Who am I to tell them how to react, especially if I'm dead?

Over the years many wealthy folks have tried to "reach from beyond the grave" to controll the living after death. Although I no longer remember the facts of the cases I studied in law school, I recall that the general rule is that the courts will not uphold unreasonable restrictions on the living as part of a bequest in a will. Maybe one of the attorneys who actually practice in this area can detail the rule on this issue for us.

PokS2k

^^^^^^

Lainey

My mom just made her arrangements. She decided NO wake. While I've never been a fan of sitting in a room with a dead body or looking at a dead body,(who would be?) I have to admit I got some comfort from the people who came to my father's and father in law's wakes last year.
Several of my siblings are not happy with mom's plan. But I'm sure we will honor her wishes. However, if we choose to have a gathering to allow people to express their condolences, it can be done and Mom does not have to be there.

Dex9

Bill:

You seem to be in the minority, and understand my dilemma and mixed emotions. While I do want to respect and honor her final requests, I know the family as a whole will miss an opportunity to grieve together. My gut reaction as I stated is that it seemed selfish, but from all the postings I see there's cause to go w/ it.

You are entirely correct about the family harmony thing, the 'key' members involved have gone through this 18 month ordeal and for them it's almost over (her heart still beats strongly). Some of the rest of us far away feel differently. However, one can't force these things.

The ideas about remembrance are great, it would be some form of closure and celebrating of her life.

Thanks all for engaging on a subject that I know may touch on your own losses of loved ones, especially this cruel thing we call cancer.

PokS2k

Dex,

Whatever you decide, remember that you did it out of love for your family.

I too had to make choices when my mom passed away, there were 2 that I had to make. I don't regret either, one of them my mom would have disagreed with, but if I went thru with it, then my family would have been torn apart. I am comfortable that if in the future I need to answer to it, I can.

jmc1971

Putting final instructions regarding your funeral arrangements in your Will is a bad idea--by the time your relatives get around to reading your Will, it's too late. Tell people now what you want. If it's really important to you, write it in a letter before you die (and give it to someone) or, better yet, make and pay for arrangements yourself.

I would never put a penalty clause like the one above in a Will. Your Personal Representative (Executor) or the one you're trying to penalize may not be the one who has final say over your remains. Very bad idea. And prolly not enforceable.

As for Dex's concerns--I would honor her wishes as to the disposal of her remains and formal funeral services--which generally include non-family. IMO it's perfectly appropriate for the family to get together for a memorial to remember and honor her. Best wishes to you and your family--if the time comes, I hope she has a peaceful passing.

ajlafleche

Very related though slightly off topic.
A guy in my club whom members had known for as much as 20 years or more died suddenly in April. His only brother was on the west coast and there was no other family that we knew of. The brother was very slow in dealing with the ME and in the end decide he wanted no service. I chose to arrange for a memorial service at the Salvation Army with which he'd been involved in the late 70's. This was a very good thing for those of us who attended and put his loss to rest.