Dex9

Hey everyone,

Been so busy I've had little time to stay in touch w/ y'all - but I thought I'd float this out w/ Vintage since we've all been through some tragic occaisions:

My Aunt is finishing her final battle w/ cancer and is 'hours away'. She never regained consciousness since weds when she was hospitalized after 9 operations in 18 months (the doctors gave her 6) and had given up chemo.
Her final wish is to not have a service / funeral. Just cremation and her ashes returned to China.

I always felt that funerals / memorials were for the family to gather and comfort and grieve together - my grandma's passing last year was a wonderful remembrance and celebration of a life lived.

Should we respect her wish and not gather? Should we have a service anyway?

Thoughts?

Smokee

I'd honor her request. Perhaps you can gather at a home and accomplish the same sort of remembrance and celebration that a formal service would bring.

Chazmo

That's a pretty tough call, Dex. I agree with Smokee, though. Honor her wishes.

If you have strong feelings about this, I recommend having a public gathering (at a funeral home, if you wish) which is for the family to receive all well-wishers. You could put some pictures of her out and have a receiving line for guests to chat with you. Put out a guest book for people to sign.

Best wishes. Sorry for your loss.

Zippy

Perhaps a celebration of her life.

Dex9

It's tough - the family's in the Bay area and I'm here in NYC - my parents' generation has very different views of suffering and loss having gone through the Japanese occupation, war, revolution, famine, refugee status, etc. Maybe I'm not able to see it through their eyes.

ralper

That is exactly right. You should honor her wishes, but the entire family should gather, not for a funeral of her death but rather for a celebration of her life. This gathering doesn't have to be right now while the greiving is going on, it can be in the near future.

I think it would be a great honor to your aunt.

MsPerky

So sorry about this, Dex...a tough call. I think you have to respect her wishes. But perhaps you can wait a reasonable amount of time and then have some kind of gathering. In a few months? Then it wouldn't be so directly tied to her passing. May seem like a technicality, but one that might satisfy the members of her generation and yours, too.

OhioRacer

Sorry for the loss Dex.

Dex9

Thanks all for the condolences - logistics are made more difficult by family scattered throughout the country and the UK - I made a suggestion of setting up a site for posting - a cyber gathering?

BTW, what's the latest on keeping someone 'alive'? Apparently (I have trouble getting full medical details) her heart still beats but she's 'gone' (they tried for 20 hrs to revive her/ regain consciousness unsucessfully), so the doctors have to wait? If she's not on 'life support' does that mean they have to wait for nature to run it's course or what?

MsPerky

The cyber idea is a good one...As for keeping her alive, if she has a "Do Not Resuscitate" order, then if her heart stops beating they won't intervene. But since she's not on any life support, I think she just has to go when she's ready. Some doctors will quietly remove intravenous feeding, but of course the responsible parties have to agree. I wish you and your family all the best.