This list is so dated.

We DO have a light in our freezer now.

And YES, pushing the elevator button more than once does make it come sooner. Likewise, pushing the door-close button rapidly also makes the doors close quicker.

The wonders of modern technology.

 

Not me. My freezer is still dark.

 

I hope the chimpanzees enjoyed the fish...

 

English signs in non-English countries (at least they try):


Cocktail lounge, Norway:

"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."



At a Budapest zoo:

"PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE

IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."



Doctors' office, Rome:

"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."



Dry cleaners, Bangkok:

"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS."



In a Nairobi restaurant:

"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."



On an Indian river highway:

"TAKE NOTICE - WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."



In a City restaurant:

"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."



A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:

"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."



In a cemetery:

"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY, BUT THEIR
OWN, GRAVES."



Tokyo hotel's rules ad regulations:

"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIORS

IN BED."



On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."



In a Tokyo bar:

"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."



Hotel, Yugoslavia:

"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."





Hotel, Japan:

"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."



In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET

COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."





A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:

"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE

OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT

UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."



Hotel, Zurich:

"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE

SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS
PURPOSE."



Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"



In the window on a Swedish furrier:

"FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."



The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."



In a Swiss mountain inn:

"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."



Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:

"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."



A laundry in Rome:

"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A

GOOD TIME."

 

Police Report


This is a true account as recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota,
Florida...
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She
dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream
at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get
out of the car!"


The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran
like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags
into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so
shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and
tried, and then it dawned on her why...

For the same reason she did not understand why there was a football, a
Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat!

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to
report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't
stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white,
less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a
large handgun.

No charges were filed.

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!

 

An oldie but goodie.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this
part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to
buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the
windows, shut off the car, restart it, and! reopen the windows before
you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only
five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"
warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out
and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door
handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.

10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

 

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?




Answer: Princess Diana's death.





Question: How come?





Answer: An English princess





with an Egyptian boyfriend





crashes in a French tunnel,





driving a German car





with a Dutch engine,





driven by a Belgian who was drunk





on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)





followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,





on Japanese motorcycles;





treated by an American doctor,





using Brazilian medicines.





This is sent to you by an American,





using Bill Gates's technology,





and you're probably reading this on your computer,





that use Taiwanese chips,





and a Korean monitor,





assembled by Bangladeshi workers





in a Singapore plant,





transported by Indian lorry-drivers,





hijacked by Indonesians,





unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,





and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....





That, my friends, is Globalization

 

6 affairs



> A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One
> day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted,
> they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed
> and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass
> and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his
> wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an
> affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at
> his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
>
> The 2nd Affair
> A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always
> talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for
> the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a
> healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new
> son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told
> his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been
fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and
> replied: "Not this time!"
>
> The 3rd Affair
> A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body
> of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling
> ;discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
> "I'm sorry Mr Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't
> allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It
> must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into
> his briefcase, and took it home;"I have something to show you that you won't
> believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the
> wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
>
> The 4th Affair
>
> A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
> opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
> She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
> "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
> "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's
> a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got
> one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
> Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for
two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
>
> The 5th Affair
> A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
> "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man
> exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice
> juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A
> nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The
> bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he
> doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing
> I'm doing to his business down here."
>
> The 6th Affair
> Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and
> said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need
> to, "his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I
> slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your
> mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison
> work."

 

Getting Old

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Another one:

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know...the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

 

A Golfing Story - Maturity Wins


A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly
round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde
woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the
member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency
that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said,
"Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me
anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or
tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a
round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself
pretty
good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All
eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on
the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the
middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape. "That
was beautiful," he said. The blonde put he r driver away and said, "I
really didn't get into it and I have faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde
took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.
(She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that
perfectly." The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak. I've left
a tricky little putt." Before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell
out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle
of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the
guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and
has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for
not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or
how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to
break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on
this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old
Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the
rest of the night.

"The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green,
carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about
6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that
little hump and break right into the cup.

"The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.
"Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to
the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.

"The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked
it up and handed it to the her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart.
Your car or mine?"

Proving again that age and experience will beat youth and skill - in most cases.