The Redneck Engineer Challenge:

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called "smart" Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane ( B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle

 

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the airliner aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport runway. When it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, the terrified passengers scream hysterically.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one blind pilot turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

 

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and Generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.

Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and

Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibephokin.

 

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. W e just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it.

 

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life
span'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at
everyone...........

Life has now been explained to you.

 

Have you ever wondered ....?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me!!!)

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?

Stop singing and read on...

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego
when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck.

My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be
taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't
want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to
the zoo for me? I' ll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were
ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped
into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of
San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde
walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to
the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the
road and ran over to the blonde.

What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to
take these chimpanzees to the zoo." "Yes, I know you did," said the
blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World."

 

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed! "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos." "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to you watch and say "Times up"?"

 

^ Good one.

 

I need to visit this thread more often. I laughed at all but two of the jokes on this page.