It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper:"Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!" Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro and someone shouted "Duck"! The teacher asked "Who said that? Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006."

 

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck. Get the f**k away from me."

 

This reminds me of the age old question: Why do so many females like Won Ton soup?


















Because pronouced backwards it is "NOT NOW"

 

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life...

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.
It's called "Ministers Do More than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he
was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told
him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will.
He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never
point the wrong way.

 

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's thingy off.

Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the thingy smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off. Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It....it was only a bug, Honey." The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said.... "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

 

A Letter to My Animals

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or stick your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. I have been using the bathroom for years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door :

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Always Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture .)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

Eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children...

 

> You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
>
> 1. You let your 14-yr-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in
>front of
>her kids.
> 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up & down depending on how

>much gas is in it.
> 3. You've been married 3 times & still have the same in-laws.
> 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a
different
>night.
> 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
> 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys,
watch
>this."
> 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
> 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
> 9. Your junior prom offered day care.
> 10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner"
are
>"Gentlemen, start your engines."
> 11. You lit a match in the bathroom & your house exploded right off
its
>wheels.
> 12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
spouse.
> 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
> 14. 1 of your kids was born on a pool table.
> 15. You need 1 more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at
the
>House of Tattoos.
> 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law
>against it.
> 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
>
> Bonus Comment:
> An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They

>went to the Dr to see about getting the husband "fixed" . The Dr
asked
>them why, after 9 children would they choose to do this.
> The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that 1
>out of
>every 10 children being born in North America was Mexican & they didn't

>want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

 

[contributed by Asterix to the S2kUK forum]

A man visits a watchmaker and asks if it's possible to make a clock out of potatoes. The experienced watchmaker replied it's possible to make a clock out of just about anything, but he'd never made one out of potatoes before, and he'd have to do some research. Later that day he calls the customer and tells him he can make one, but it will take about 2-weeks before it's ready.

A fortnight later the customer calls back and lo and behold the clock is ready. Delighted with the result, the customer pays the watchmaker and starts to leave the shop, when the watchmaker says, "...er, excuse me for asking, but this was a most unusual request...may I enquire why you want a clock made out of potatoes?"

"Certainly," replies the customer, "...just before I saw you last, I went for a job interview and we discussed my skills and experience. The interview went pretty well and the man said I can have the job, but I'll need to get a Potato Clock."

 

HUH?


fltsfshr

 

Ditto