Good Business Lesson!


Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to
someone
else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll
give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said NO.

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and
said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her
boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000
dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes
the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......

She said "The bastard used coins"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

 

Blonde Kidnapper

A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap
a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little
boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note.

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the
money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the
park
at 10 AM. " Signed, "The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
$10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had
instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot
believe that one blonde would do this to another."

 

"You know you're A redneck when......"

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly Swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think the "nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The salvation army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your Father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of Improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on Jury Duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

[SIZE=7]And remember "red necks are not limited to any one area

 

I've used one as a bookshelf. Does that make me part of the redneck intelligentsia?

 

An elderly couple were at church, about halfway
through the service she
leans over and says,

I just let a silent fart what do you think I should
do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid".

 

Headlines from the year 2029:

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.



Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Now, send this to whoever you want to and as many as you want and guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing.

Geezers of America

 

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME! WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and
so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the
sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you a! re not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my b! eautiful wife:
Marrying you really screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

Mujibar wanted his green card so that he could stay in the USA.
>
>
>
> The immigration officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all of the
>tests, except one.
>
>
>
> You must pass it, or you cannot stay in the United States".
>
>
>
> Mujibar said, "I am ready."
>
>
>
> The officer said, "Use the words yellow, pink and green in the same
>sentence."
>
>
>
> Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "The telephone goes green,
>green, green, and I pink it up, and say, yellow, this is Mujibar."
>
>
>
> Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon
>help desk.
>
>
>
> I talked to him yesterday.

 

how long can you keep it UP

 

Not a joke, but one of those, how do you know?............

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.


8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.


10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.


11. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.


14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list.