A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here, and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

 

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside
the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into massive
flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.

When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our
secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be
saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out
intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire
departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As
the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret
files.
>From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came
into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian Rural Township Volunteer Fire
Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by
these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the
plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped
off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen
before. Within a short time, the Norsk old timers had extinguished the
fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for
such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over
to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norsk fire
fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on
film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell,"said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve do
is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

 

A living will is important to relationships

 

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,

"that the medication you prescribed has

to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition

because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

-----------------------------------------

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table

awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,

a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia

he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;

do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,

if something happens to me .

your mother is going to come

and live with you and your wife...."

-----------------------------------------

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you

stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

------------------------------------------

The older we get, the fewer things seem

worth waiting in line for

------------------------------------------

Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.

I've traveled a long way and some of the

roads weren't paved.

--------------------------------------------

When you are dissatisfied and would

like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

---------------------------------------------

You know you are getting old when everything

either dries up or leaks.

----------------------------------------------

I don't know how I got over the hill

without getting to the top.

----------------------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging

is that it is such a nice change from being young.

----------------------------------------------

Ah, being young is beautiful,

but being old is comfortable.

-----------------------------------------------

Old age is when former classmates are so gray

and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

----------------------------------------------

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,

you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

--------------------------------------

First you forget names, then you forget faces.

Then you forget to pull up your zipper.

It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

-------------------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground

with sticks, it was called witchcraft..

Today, it's called golf

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete....she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

*

* Picabo, ICU
_________________________
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide. The first old guy says to the
second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I
was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a
coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't
find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you
find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old,
tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big bust,
and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look
like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."

*********
When I got home last night,

my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.

So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You
used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held
her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she
said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across,
gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later
she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get
my teeth!"
Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

 

1- Zero Gravity: When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300

 

This one is still good after all these years

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON ANDI'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON."

 

On the topic of "plane" humor this oldie but goodie was sent to me by Ruined 2. As it has been around the block more than once, I thought that it qualified as a classic for those who may not have seen it before.
************************************************** *************************************************

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.



P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and get serious.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.



P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget hammering on something.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

When you have an "I hate My Job" day, try this. On your way home from
>work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and
>purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure
>you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the
>curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change
>into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the
>package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table
>or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun
>part begins. Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will
>notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every Rectal
>Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested".
>
>Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do
>not work in the Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson."
>
>
>
>HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB
>THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

 

GRANDMA'S BOYFRIEND


A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one-day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted

 

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon.

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity; Cogito ergo sum; British; Constitution;
Passive-aggressive disorder; Loquacious; Transubstantiate.

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex; Nope, no more booze for
me; Sorry, but you're not really my type; Good evening, officer,
isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't--no one wants
to hear me sing!