11 times in history when it has been acceptable to use the F word:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?" Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912

10. "What the @#$% was that?" Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" Custer, 1877

8. "An! y @#$%ing idiot could understand that." Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out? Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?" Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" Bill Clinton, 1998

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." Saddam Hussein, 2003

 

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

 

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS....Enjoy!!!
Actual writings from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second! day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

 

Six Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and
drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said:"You lying bastard!You've
been playing golf!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughter but talked about
having about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got preg nant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:"Not this time!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz
had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,"
the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an
impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."So, he
removed it stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have so mething
to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all
over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you,"she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked
it so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around
2 AM the husband got up,went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me
a damned thing."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business
down here."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied.

"No," he insisted,"I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and
your mother!"

"I know," she replied," now just rest and let the poison work."

 

Groundhog day

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fell on
the same day.

As Air America Radio points out, "It is an ironic juxtaposition: one
involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little
intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a groundhog."

 

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED
TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape

 

Dear Abby: My husband is a liar and a cheat. He cheated on me from the
beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost
his job four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is
buy cigars, play golf, cruise around, and shoot the breeze with his pals,
while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter graduated from
college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a
lesbian. What should I do??? Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless: Grow up and
dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a United
States Senator from New York, act like it.

 

Levi,

I had seen a few of those before but as a collection that was "CLASSIC"

 

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.



The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.



Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheer. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.



She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?



The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf" Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.



So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom.



After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.



She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom? "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"



But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.



"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

 

^That one made me .