These are great!!

 

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow


Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.


If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all



Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs



A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water


How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?


Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without


Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?


Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.


No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.


There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.


There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM .... It could be a right number



Think about this ... No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning


I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.


Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it



The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.


After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old

ladies running around with tattoos and perky (*)(*)

AND MY FOVORITE

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.


After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead

 

That was hysterical to read, not live through.

 

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What Majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals! " He said to himself.


As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and saw that the bear was even closer.

Then he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried: "OH MY GOD!........."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came from the sky saying:

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect Me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sound of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head, and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord. Amen."

 

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming. One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree "Wow, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said "You're hallucinating. You've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.... So, do you think we should ... well ... you know ... screw her?" "Out of what?" asked the other.

 

When the husband died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

 

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out "Watch that wall!"

 

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.


Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


Remember:

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

 

A man walked into a tavern and sat next to a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. "Hi there good looking, how's it going?" he asked. The woman looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen,I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college, and I just love it!" "No kidding?," said the man, "I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

 

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?" "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME."