Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3 They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.

 

There are two kinds of NASCAR fans.

Shirtless, tatooed, foul mouthed beer drinkers.






And their husbands.

 

While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired "What are you doing? "I'm listening to the music of the tree" the other man replied. "You gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says "Well, OK." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, watch, and car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked "What the hell happened to you?" He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said "Well, today just isn't your day."

 

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon
be available in liquid form and will be marketed by
Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as
a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,
and it gives new meaning to the terms "cocktails",
"highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of,

Yep, you guessed it,

"MOUNT & DO"

 

This could be a political joke so watch out"

Subject: ROBIN WILLIAMS FOR PRESIDENT.........READ ON

Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York" in Arabic.

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace
but I have not heard of a plan for
peace. So, here's one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good ole boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middlle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "








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That's good. Robin Williams is good.

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: a can of peaches.



The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.



The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.


The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

 

My brother in Los Angeles (Chatsworth, really) sent me this link... It's a riot, and I wish I could have been there to see it in person! Enjoy! Helen

http://www.dailybubble.com/archives/2006/0...deer-hunter.php

 

Per Snopes, the Robin Williams joke is a fraud. Regrets for the false attribution. Still a good joke.

 

Hey Helen,

Chatsworth is only about 35 minutes from me. That talking deer was great.

 

Funny.