I forwarded that one on too.

 

I don't know about the "fifty dollars" one. It could be very DANGEROUS if said at the wrong time, you know what I mean?

 

Recently spotted in Florida..

 

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blond walks by, and the man
immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you
call for me?"

The man replies "No; what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that
if you get an erection it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on
a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam
room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart,
it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and
has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted
by the smiling, naked receptionist.

"May I help you?" she says.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "You've only been here for a few hours. You
haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an
erection once a month and I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"

 

 

as well.

 

Moe and Joe were talking one day

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

 

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

 

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny.

"Giving up?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds,

Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well..every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom

 

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or
any sex for over five years. She was afraid she might have something
wrong with her; so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the
well-known Chinese sex therapist, Doctor Chang.

Upon entering the exam room, Doctor Chang said, "Ok, take off all your
crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Doctor Chang then said, "Ok, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she crawled back to him, Doctor Chang shook his head slowly.

"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.... worse case I
ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Doctor Chang! What is Ed Zachary
disease?"

Doctor Chang sighed deeply and explained, "Ed Zachary disease is when
your face look Ed Zachary like your behind!!"