An elderly couple was sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife , "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times."

"Three times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks

Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that t he bank was about to foreclose on our little house?"

"Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.

"And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?"

"Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second time?"

"Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"

"Yes, of course," said Sidney. "Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?"

"Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the third time?"

Marsha lowered her head and said, "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club a nd you needed 62 more votes?"

 

 

The New Wonder Drug:

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila

 

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my
intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine"

 

A man gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde woman.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the
guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff
---grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat
patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded! Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know sh##!

 

^Good one Lainey. Take that, you woman bashing, Matt.

 

Maybe that reply should be " You got it from your mother, as she had so much more to begin with than I."

 

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman. The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi? Yes, Father it is. And who was the woman you were with? I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation. Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti? I cannot say. Was it Teresa Volpe? I'll never tell. Was it Nina Capeli? I'm sorry but I cannot name her. Was it Cathy Piriano? My lips are sealed. Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then? Please, Father, I cannot tell you. The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself. Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads."

 

Moi? Not Moi.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

Ok now that y'all have ventured into the men vs. women area of humor, here are a few I got the other day...I especially love #4:

NO OFFENSE INTENDED!!

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their a$$hole and they vapor lock) (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it's never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)