Unfortunately the bird flue has hit Florida

 

Two college buddies attending the University of Oklahoma had the same Pysch class. There was a major test scheduled for Monday morning.

They figured they could drive home to Texas to visit their girlfriends, study over the weekend, and be back Monday morning to take the exam.

When the alarm clock went off in the wee hours of Monday morning, somebody turned the alarm off, but then kept snoozing. Later Monday morning when they woke up, they called the professor at school.

They said they got a flat tire, and could they please take a makeup test?
The professor thought a moment and agreed to a scheduled time the next morning.

They two young students studied all night and arrived at the Professors office Tuesday morning. They were lead to separate rooms to take the exam.
Page One looked like a piece of cake, worth 25 points. No problem, dudes!

Page Two had one question, valued at 75 points. "Which tire?"

 

^^^^ The post above reminds me of the wisdom of my mother while baby sitting two of her grand children. They were having a contention problem over a piece of dessert. My mothers solution: Was to have the oldest one cut it in "half". Then have the youngest one pick which piece he wanted.

 

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[notif I wipe thoro! ughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield(London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces BatteryCharge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

LocalHigh School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that sign right?

 

Young Gunfighter

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy.
"Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learnin' something' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.



"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."

 

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can
kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; the
next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; this
morning I stopped reading.

 

 

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Damn!" says the little old lady."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower eds!" "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."

 

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach

 

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the club's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She announces " I want to join your club." The biker is amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. He asks, " Do you have a motorcycle?" The little old lady replies, "Yep ... my bike's parked over there," and points to a Harley in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep...smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs a day and a couple of cigars in the evening when I'm shootin' pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question. Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and replies, "Nope, but I've been swung around by the nipples once or twice."