Joke of the Day, Vintage Style
11-30-2005 | 09:19 AM
#641
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,827
Likes: 0
From: Bay Area
I hope this is not a re-post. With so many jokes posted, it is hard to keep track which ones have already been told here.
I'm My Own Grandpa
Now many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon they, too, were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, cause she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother.
Father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run,
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.
Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild,
And everytime I think of it, it nearly drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
I'm My Own Grandpa
Now many, many years ago, when I was twenty-three,
I was married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon they, too, were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life,
My daughter was my mother, cause she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matter, even though it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to Dad,
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
Of the widow's grown-up daughter, who, of course, was my stepmother.
Father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run,
And he became my grandchild, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother, and it makes me blue,
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother, too.
Now if my wife is my grandmother, then I'm her grandchild,
And everytime I think of it, it nearly drives me wild,
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa!
12-01-2005 | 02:39 PM
#642
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 485
Likes: 1
From: San Angelo
The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of talent, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen carefully, ya dumb horse, I said "BRING POSSE"
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of talent, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen carefully, ya dumb horse, I said "BRING POSSE"
12-08-2005 | 01:08 PM
#644
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,086
Likes: 0
From: St. Pete, Florida
REDNECK LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
12-08-2005 | 03:40 PM
#645
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 485
Likes: 1
From: San Angelo
The father was giving advice to his son just before his marriage.
"Son," he said, "in the beginning it will be tri-weekly. After ten years it will be try weekly, and after twenty years it will be try weakly."
"Son," he said, "in the beginning it will be tri-weekly. After ten years it will be try weekly, and after twenty years it will be try weakly."
12-12-2005 | 07:45 AM
#646
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 42,345
Likes: 5,925
From: Mish-she-gan
Oldies but goodies ......... that crack me up:
Now here are some old ones!!
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
1. Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
2. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
3. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. GeorgeGobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
4. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
5. Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
6. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
7. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
8. Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
9. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
10. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
11. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
12. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
13. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures
14. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
15. Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
16. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
17. Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
18. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
19. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
20. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
21. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
22. Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
23. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet
24. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh
Now here are some old ones!!
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
1. Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
2. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
3. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. GeorgeGobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
4. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
5. Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
6. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
7. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
8. Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
9. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
10. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
11. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
12. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
13. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures
14. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
15. Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
16. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
17. Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
18. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
19. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
20. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
21. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
22. Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
23. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet
24. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh
12-12-2005 | 08:05 AM
#647
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,086
Likes: 0
From: St. Pete, Florida
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a
gud boy all yeer yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn
care. How about I send you a frickin' book so you can
learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the
space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing
I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
they?
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do?
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that
up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass
constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.
Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony, and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're
gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and
I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart
in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do
me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in
Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget
porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing
the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
the craps table.
Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really
know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever
you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please
please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but
that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a
sweater again.
Santa
----------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get
into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky." That's why
you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you
don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment
complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the
boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a
gud boy all yeer yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn
care. How about I send you a frickin' book so you can
learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the
space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing
I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
they?
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together.
Please see what you can do?
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen
door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that
up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass
constantly? It's time to give up that dream.
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I.
Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony, and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're
gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and
I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart
in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do
me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you
busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in
Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget
porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing
the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
the craps table.
Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really
know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever
you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please
please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but
that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a
sweater again.
Santa
----------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get
into our home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky." That's why
you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you
don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment
complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the
boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
12-14-2005 | 11:00 AM
#649
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 25,136
Likes: 330
From: Plattsburgh, NY
An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball
game.
The first batter approached the batter's box, took a few swings and then
hit
a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "RUN, RUN".
The next batter hit a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd
again
cheered "RUN, RUN".
The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called
"walk"
and the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood
up
and screamed, "R-R-RUN ye bastard, RUN!" The people around him began
laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.
A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained,
"He
can't run--he's got four balls."
The Irishman stood up, took a long breath and screamed, "Walk with
pride,
lad!"
game.
The first batter approached the batter's box, took a few swings and then
hit
a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "RUN, RUN".
The next batter hit a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd
again
cheered "RUN, RUN".
The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called
"walk"
and the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood
up
and screamed, "R-R-RUN ye bastard, RUN!" The people around him began
laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.
A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained,
"He
can't run--he's got four balls."
The Irishman stood up, took a long breath and screamed, "Walk with
pride,
lad!"
12-15-2005 | 12:29 AM
#650
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 25,136
Likes: 330
From: Plattsburgh, NY
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the Wife passed away.
The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000,
Or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
Home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
Later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."
While they were there, the Wife passed away.
The undertaker told the Husband "You can have her shipped home for $5,000,
Or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
Home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days
Later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."