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The little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how was I born?"
Dad responds, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out...so here goes.
Well, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a
firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button...nine months later a
blessed little Popup appeared and said:
It seems that the Michelin Man is claiming that he is in fact not the father in a recently filed paternity suit against him and is demanding DNA testing to prove his innocence according to a Michelin spokes person at a press conference today. The unnamed accuser's attorney released photo's to the court to merit in this case.
There is an unconfirmed report that Michelin has concerns that the mother of the child may be an Engineer for their fierce competitor Bridgestone, and that the two may have met while traveling on the Formula One circuit during the 2004 season.
THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY .
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused my computer's fonts to be smaller than they once were.
Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under."
Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But then they go, they take your house and car with them.
Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch .
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle."
"If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
An 80-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "6."
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
* There was a beautiful young woman banging on my hotel room
door all night! I finally had to let her out.
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law
to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my
wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's
making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting
it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our
wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife
called it the Dead Sea .
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in Dublin - there is a 5-hour time difference. I'm
still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed,
I feel hungry.
* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't
pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check
came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor:
"See! What did I tell you?"
* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,
"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How
does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a
little dinner, you know?"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
* A bum asked a fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The fellow
responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one
that's working!"
* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what
kind of work he's out of.
11-15-2005 | 11:06 AM
