Joke of the Day, Vintage Style
10-10-2005 | 04:42 AM
#601
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,086
Likes: 0
From: St. Pete, Florida
Warning
We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office.
Five of the six have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time.
We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office.
Five of the six have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office. Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time.
10-12-2005 | 09:40 AM
#602
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,086
Likes: 0
From: St. Pete, Florida
Political Science 101 (in case you haven't seen this one before)
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALIST, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRAT, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the better looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one better accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure o ut how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tells you which one you think is the better-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALIST, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRAT, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the better looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one better accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure o ut how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tells you which one you think is the better-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
10-12-2005 | 03:48 PM
#603
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 25,136
Likes: 330
From: Plattsburgh, NY
Senior Citizen
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on
this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a
drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would
like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to
her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with
two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he
says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two
drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how
to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other
issue."
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on
this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a
drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would
like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to
her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with
two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he
says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two
drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how
to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other
issue."
10-12-2005 | 06:29 PM
#604
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 12,381
Likes: 526
From: Clifton, VA
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect
longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even
walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that,
though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even
walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that,
though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
10-15-2005 | 03:35 AM
#605
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 25,136
Likes: 330
From: Plattsburgh, NY
Las Vegas Casino's and Catholic Churches . . . . .
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting, and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
10-20-2005 | 12:27 AM
#607
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 25,136
Likes: 330
From: Plattsburgh, NY
HILLARY'S NEW INDIAN NAME
Senator Hilary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York state. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.
She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the Senator.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
Senator Hilary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York state. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.
She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to select the new name given to the Senator.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
10-20-2005 | 10:51 AM
#608
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,086
Likes: 0
From: St. Pete, Florida
Hillary jokes? Let me try one:
Osama and the Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sands of the desert and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said, "Please Master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you !"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. In no time at all, his penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
Osama and the Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sands of the desert and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said, "Please Master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you !"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. In no time at all, his penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
10-20-2005 | 02:35 PM
#609
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 485
Likes: 1
From: San Angelo
IMPORTANT SCIENCE NEWS....
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that is has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that is has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO"
