Answers now included:

#1...Why do we press harder on a remote control ?
Because everyone knows that the extra energy expended will eventually soak into the batteries and make them work again

#2...Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"?
a) because they can; b) because they want to be richer than you c) because they already charge heaps when you DO have funds, d) becasue they can

#3...Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,?
Shut up while I'm counting will you ... 231, 232, 233, 234, 235 ...

#4...Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
It only sticks to my hands and my hair. I can stick the bottle to my hair ...

#5...Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Being not sterile causes pain. The first injection just paralyzes the victim any way, so they suffocate to death. Very humane

#6...Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If there's no one around in the forest and a tree falls over, does the tree make a sound? If there's no one around to see Tarzan, does he grow a beard? Friday grew a beard good enough for two

#7...Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?
Ummm ... I hate to tell you this, but Superman was a comic book character, not a real person!!!

#8...Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
For the same reason you have to keep shoes on during take off: so they can match the body parts after a crash. The helmet had the pilot's name on it.

#9...Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
Tho true! Whoth idea wath it to drive an TH two thouthand? Bathtardth!

#10..If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Some people didn't evolve from apes, that's why there are still apes. Those people developed from slime.

#11..Why is it that ... the bubbles are always white?
You have a racist bath? My bubbles always end up brown or black by the end of my bath

#12..Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
YES!!!! The day I go in to buy one! Just like it never rains unless I am on holiday.

#13..Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Stuff grows in my fridge all the time. I'm hoping that some of it will evolve into mushrooms, apes, or chicken filets

#14..Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times?
Because it's fun!

#15..Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
See #13

#16..How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Like my fridge: things evolve there too

#17..When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?"
I've never said it's OK, but then I've been banned from some supermarkets: they don't like blood splatter on the products

#18..Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
See #13

#19..In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?
Because it burned down in the summer bushfires. Now it's too breezy. The new walls go up next week

#20..How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
He's just funny to look at?

#21..If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try it like your wife told
you to do it?
The one who navigates with the map up-side-down? Better to keep driving in circles thanks

 

Wow...someone (^) has been busy!!

 

Here is one I enjoyed:

A priceless story!!!



Dear Husband

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. When I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

Your Ex-Husband

 

 

 

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody.

He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an
impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a
coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler
the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying
all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The Boss approached her and said: " Debra, I've
never had to do this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

 

The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump died, and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.

The test is short, but you have to pass it, before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shor is good, to be here, St. Peter, sir.

But nobody ever told me, about any entrance exam.

I shor hope that the Test ain't too hard, life was a big enough test, as it was."

St. Peter continued to say, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week, begins with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds, are there, in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day, and sees St. Peter, who waved him up, and said, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week, begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be, Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide, and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess, I did not specify, so I will give you credit, for that answer.

How about the next one?" asked St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk, and thunk, about that, and I guess the only answer, can be twelve.

" Ast! ounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? How in Heaven's name, could you come up, with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest replied, "Shucks, there is got to be twelve:
January 2nd,
February 2nd,
March 2nd. ! ."

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind..... but I will have to give you credit, for that one, too.

Let us go on, with the third, and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure", Forrest replied, "its Andy."

Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated, and frustrated St. Peter.

"Ok, I can understand, how you came up, with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world, did you come up with, the name Andy, as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song. .
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME, I AM HIS OWN. . .

" St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

 

PEDRO'S FIRST DAY OF 4th GRADE

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Pedro. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

 

A man checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the email.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: October 8, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS It is damn hot down here !!

 

A major research institute has recently announced the discovery of the
heaviest element known to science. The new element has been named
"Governmentium". Govenrmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75
deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepons-like particles called peons.

Since government has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact
.
A seconds worth of exposures to Governmentium will cause any action to
take four hundred times to complete, a cost of five time as much.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years, it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will
cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of
morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Govenrmentiums is
formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass"

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (aka
Bureaucratium- an element which radiates as much energy as the
Governmentiuim, but has half as many morons.