A Wal-Mart Store That Sells Husbands


A Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband...

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," so she goes to the fourth floor, and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, loves kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" So she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted she goes to the sixth floor and sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart's Husband Store.

 

A LITTLE FLAB

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched
her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your
control top panty hose".

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and
said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by
his 'you know what' and with a death grip in place, said, "You know, if
you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the
pool man, and your brother."

 

From 2001, a reprise of a rejected script for a Viagra commercial:

(A man and a woman are in bed together. The woman is getting in the mood but the man can't quite get things going. She reaches up and turns on the light.)

WOMAN: Honey, what's wrong?

MAN: I'm sorry, baby. I just can't get going right now. It's my darn...ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!

(Suddenly there's a loud crash as the #6 Pfizer/Viagra Ford Taurus comes crashing through the bedroom wall like the Kool-Aid Man. A wizened Arkansan who looks a little like a newborn eaglet leaps out of the car. It's NA$CAR driver Mark Martin. The woman shrieks and pulls the covers up over her chest.)

MARTIN: Howdy, folks! Sounds like life's put a restrictor plate on your pants, mister.

MAN: Uh...well, I guess you could say that.

MARTIN: Well, when your love life's in the pits, just take you one of these VIAGRA tablets and things will rev right back up.

(Martin tosses the man a bottle of Viagra tablets. The man takes one and then smiles broadly. Martin smiles and nods towards the woman.)

MARTIN: Don't worry, little lady. You'll be sittin' on the pole in no time. All thanks to VIAGRA!

VOICE-OVER: Viagra. Ask your doctor.

(As Martin walks out of the bedroom, he passes team owner Jack Roush, who isn't wearing his trademark fedora. Martin flips Roush a condom.)

MARTIN: Don't forget your hat, Jack!

 

Preparing The Will...

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about preparing a will. The receptionist suggested they set up a convenient time for the spinster to come to the office.

"You must understand; I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" the elderly woman asked.

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and went to the spinster's home to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

"I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank," she replied.

"Tell me just how you would like the $40,000 to be distributed," the lawyer asked.

"Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life. People have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on," said the woman." I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

"Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!" the lawyer exclaimed. "I need to know what you would like to do with the remaining $5,000."

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, and the fact is I've never slept with a man. So before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me just once."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went in. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out, so she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened. The lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow; she's going to let the county bury her."

 

An elderly couple were enjoying the evening by swinging on the front
porch and looking at the beautiful sunset.

After a few minutes the ol' lady reaches over and knocks the hell out
of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes.

The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to
his wife on the swing. He sits there for a few minutes and then asks,
"What was that for Ma?"

She replies: "That's for having a small one!"

A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knocks the
hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the
bushes.

She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa.

She sits here a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for PA?"

He replies: "That's for knowing there was more than one size."

 

A women decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $15,000 and is really happy with the results. On her way home she stops at a newstand to buy a paper. Before leaving she asks the newsales clerk 'I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am"?
"About 32" the clerk replies.
"I'm actually 47" the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into a McDonalds and upon getting her order she asks the counterman "How old do you think I am"?
He replies "I guess about 29".
The woman replies "nope I'm 47" now feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home she asks an old man the same question. He replies "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although when I was young there was a sure fire way to find out how old a woman was, but it requires me to put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are".
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiousity got the best of the woman and she finally says "Oh what the hell go ahead".
The old man slips both hands up her shirt and under her bra and begins to feel around.
After a couple of minutes the woman says "O.K. O.K. how old am I?"
He removes his hands and says "You are 47".
Stunned the woman says"That is amazing! How did you know?"
The old man replies "I was behind you in the line at McDonalds".

 

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.

He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.

He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services are pending.........

 

Good Housekeeping Tip:


Always keep several get well cards on the mantel...



so if unexpected guests arrive,



they will think you've been sick and unable to clean.

 

I like that one!

Especially in the nice weather when we'd rather be out in the "S" than taking care of things at home.

 

Received this from my 30 year old niece. She is a mom of two small ones.

Hard Times

IF you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways ... through year 'round blizzards ... carrying their younger siblings on their backs ... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average despite their full-time, after-school job at the local textile mill ... where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids ... about how hard I had it and how ea! sy they've got it!

But....

Now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet .....we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves!!! In the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter .... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and f@#* it all up!

You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download $$$$$$! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Play station videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! ...

Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you and you couldn't see you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning ...

D'ya hear what I'm saying!?!

We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little brats!

We didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up ... we had to use the stove ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn .. we had to use that stupid jiffy pop and shake it over the stove like an idiot forever.

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, you guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!.....