Don't confuse the issue with facts! It's still a good story!

(Isn't this a "joke" thread, anyway? )

 

OK, I'll buy that! I take it back!

JonasM

 

Encounter at the Grocery Store

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who-are-you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No," she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"

 

All,

Sad but true, especially with us Vintage folks:

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers..
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather
than settle , your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,
not condoms and pregnancy tests
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

 

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami Beach, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry

 

From the Wash Post's Style Invitational - June 12, 2005:

Report from Week 610, in which we asked you to "mash" two movies, TV shows, etc., into a single work of art and describe it: The Empress got an enormous response to this contest, at least 4,000 entries, the most in at least a year, evidently because it was pretty easy to combine the names of two movies to make a funny-sounding hybrid. What proved a whole lot harder was to say anything very interesting about it. So below, there's no "Agnes of Godzilla," or "Othello Dolly" or "Magnum P.I. Claudius" or "Beauty Shop of Horrors," to name but a few of the many that received multiple tries, but no imperial green light.

Third runner-up: The Wizinator: A steroid-fueled cyborg pursues Dorothy and her companions as they attempt to reach the Emerald City in time to take their court-mandated drug tests. But along the Yellow Brick Road there were some poppies . . . (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Second runner-up: Please Don't Eat Miss Daisy: Hannibal Lecter lands a job driving for a prim southern spinster. (Peter Metrinko and Laura Miller, Chantilly)

First runner-up, winner of Peyton Coyner's custom-made Style Invitational Magnet box: Pollyanna Karenina: "Oh, my -- isn't that the most beautiful train?" (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

And the winner of the Inker: Terminators of Endearment: At last, the perfect "compromise" date movie. (Paul Whittemore, Gaithersburg)

Honorable Mentions:

Valley Girl With a Pearl Earring: There's this girl, Julie? She gets to be a model for, like, a famous photograph or something. (Chris Kervina, Manassas)

It's a Wonderful Life Is Beautiful: A man sees how depressing a Nazi concentration camp would have been without him. (Eric Murphy, Chicago; Beth Morgan, Palo Alto, Calif.)

My Left Footloose: A dancer with leprosy sees the imminent end of his career. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)

The French Lieutenant's a Man and a Woman: Confused sexual identity threatens morale in Napoleon's army. (Fred S. Souk, Reston)

The Americanization of Amelie: The cute, quirky French girl finds herself getting a big butt. (Bill Caldwell, Shawnee-on-Delaware, Pa.)

Soylent Green Acres: Two rich urban retirees find out the real meaning of being "put out to pasture." (Carolyn Steele, Annandale)

The Man With the Golden Gunga Din: James Bond finally meets a better man than he. (Tom Kreitzberg, Silver Spring)

The Lion in Winterminator 2: Eleanor of Aquitaine can't be bargained with. She can't be reasoned with. She doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And she absolutely will not stop. Until you are dead. (Tom Kreitzberg)

2001 Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: A computer attempts to get out of work by acting crazy, but things get out of hand and he ends up with a circuit-otomy. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Love Toy Story: Woody, an old favorite, feels threatened by the arrival of the new battery-powered Buzz Lightyear. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village)

Das Booty Call: When the German sub fleet puts in to port, they're ready for some action! (Brendan Beary)

A Bullet Is Waiting for Godot: Let's just say Vladimir and Estragon have had it up to here. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)

Wag the Dogma: A group of apostles spin some messianic nonsense to distract the public from the Pilate-Magdalene affair. (Danny Bravman, St. Louis)

The Full Monty Python and the Holy Grail: The search for the missing cup. (Steven J. Allen, Manassas)

Man on Fire Down Below: An educational film about STDs and their symptoms. (Judith Cottrill, New York; Beth Morgan)

Gandhi-Haw: An hour of Delhi laughs and homespun humor. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)

Inherit the Wind in the Willows: Did Mole descend from Rat? Or was it the other way around? Let a jury decide! (Joseph Romm, Washington)

Gilligan's Island of Dr. Moreau: A mad scientist's plans to perform experimental lobotomies on seven castaways are spoiled when he realizes that someone has already beaten him to it. (Meg Sullivan)

Throw Momma From the Planes, Trains & Automobiles: Young Grigori discovers the family secret when he tries to bump off his mother, Mrs. Rasputin. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

DracuLa Recherche du Temps Perdu: Memories of his past life come flooding back when a vampire bites into Madeleine. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Two and a Half Men at Work: The tragic tale of OSHA factory regulations ignored. (Robin Parry, Arlington)

Waiting for Godot to Exhale: Don't hold your breath. (Mark Eckenwiler)

Independence Day After Tomorrow: Aliens stupidly attack Earth right after global warming has rendered the planet uninhabitable. (Joseph Romm)

Guess Who's Coming to My Dinner With Andre?: A white guy and a black guy sit and listen to a boring guy. (John Chamberlain, Silver Spring)

Bob & Carol & Ted (Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore): After the divorce, Ted settles into a m

 

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake.

He procures a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age.

The old sailor asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he replies, "What's that supposed to mean?"

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

 

The Blond Year in Review


January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Ordered new drapes for her computer because it had windows.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months because the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because eight cups of water wouldn't fit into the little packet.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was, she answered "C."

October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for four days because the instructions said one hour per pound and she weighed 120.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.

 

Nursing Home

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, and for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple of minutes, starts digging around in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

 

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"