A very appropriate one!

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line
of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
"Excuse me, Mr. Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for
judgment, but I couldn't help wondering...why are you tossing those people aside instead of linging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"

"Ah, those...," Satan said with a groan. "They're all from New England.
They're still too wet to burn."

 

Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.

So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.

Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

 

A guy dies and gets to the "Pearly Gates" only to find that there are two entrances. Over one gate there is a sign that states: "For all people that are "hen pecked" and the sign over the other gate states: "For those that are NOT hen pecked"

The line at the gate for the "Hen pecked" is miles long. But the line for the gate that is for the "Non-hen pecked" has only one guy standing in it. The new arrival sees this and walks over to the lone guy and asks: What did you do to get to stand in this line?

His reply: "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

 

Bumper Stickers (some new ones)


There are many ways to say "I love you," but sex is the fastest.

I feel so much better since I lost hope.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If walking is so good for you, why does my mailman look like that?

Ask me about my vow of silence.

If the answer isn't beer, you've asked the wrong question.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Before you condemn someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

We must silence those who oppose freedom of speech.

A man does not have to be a bigamist to have one wife too many.

Try not to let your mind wander. It's too small and fragile to be out by itself.

Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.

I'm happily married, but my wife isn't.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You are right where you belong. Behind me.

Old age comes at a bad time.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

Do unto others before they do unto you.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

Don't play stupid with me. I'm better at it.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.

If 10 percent is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is yes.

Was today really necessary?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

The more I learn, the less I understand.

Just because people don't understand you doesn't make you an artist.

Love is grand. Divorce is fifty grand.

There are two important things to remember about surrealism. Frogs, power tools, and the Lincoln Memorial.

I came here with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

Pass carefully. Driver chews tobacco.

O.K., I take it back. Unscrew you.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Better living through denial.

 

Turning 21, a boy from Duluth, Minnesota, named Lars had heard stories
of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather, and
great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays
to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink. So when Lars'
21st came around, he and his pal, Sven, took a boat out to the middle of the
lake.

Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him
to safety. Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across
the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather,
and great grandfather were born in January; you were born in July."

 

Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs

TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave

Remember these? For those who never saw any of the
Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history
of the 1930's and '40's. Before there were interstates,
when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave
signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers'
fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five
signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a
4 line couplet......and the obligatory 5th sign advertising
Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream. Here are more
of the actual signs:

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED
NEXT IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave

And my all time favorite:
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

 

Two factory workers were talking.

"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.

He proceeded to climb up to the rafters and hung from them upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb," answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss.

So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The blonde began walking out too.

The boss asked her where she thought she was going.

The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark."

 

This was written by Robert St. John, executive chef and owner of the Purple Parrot Cafe, Crescent City Grill and Mahogany Bar of Hattiesburg, MS.

Thirty years ago I visited my first cousin in Virginia. While hanging out with him and his friend, the discussion turned to popular movies of the day. When I offered my two-cents on the authenticity and social relevance of the movie Billy Jack, one of the boys asked, in all seriousness, "Do you guys have movie theaters down there?" To which I replied, "Yep. We wear shoes too."

Just three years ago, my wife and I were attending a food and wine seminar in Aspen, Colo. We were seated with two couples from Las Vegas. One of the Glitter Gulch gals was amused and downright rude when I described our restaurant as a fine-dining restaurant.

"Mississippi doesn't have fine-dining restaurants!" she insisted and nudged her companion. I fought back the strong desire to mention that she lived in the land that invented the 99-cent breakfast buffet. I wanted badly to defend my state, my region, and my restaurant with a 15-minute soliloquy and public relations rant that would surely change her mind. It was at that precise moment that I was hit with a blinding jolt of enlightenment, and in a moment of complete and absolute clarity it dawned on me -- my South is the best-kept secret in the country. Why would I try to win this woman over? She might move down here.

I am always amused by Hollywood's interpretation of the South. We are still, on occasion, depicted as a collective group of sweaty, stupid, backwards-minded, racist rednecks. The South of movies and TV, the Hollywood South, is not my South. This is my South:

My South is full of honest, hardworking people.

My South is the birthplace of blues and jazz, and rock n' roll. It has banjo pickers and fiddle players, but it also has BB King, Muddy Waters, the Allman Brothers, Emmylou Harris and Elvis.

My South is hot.

My South smells of newly mowed grass.

My South was kick the can, creek swimming, cane-pole fishing and bird hunting.

In my South, football is king, and the Southeastern Conference is the kingdom.

My South is home to the most beautiful women on the planet.

In my South, soul food and country cooking are the same thing.

My South is full of fig preserves, cornbread, butter beans, fried chicken, grits and catfish.

In my South, our transistor radios introduced us to the Beatles and the Rolling Stones at the same time they were introduced to the rest of the country.

In my South, grandmothers cook a big lunch every Sunday, so big that we call it dinner (supper comes later).

In my South, family matters, deeply.

My South is boiled shrimp, blackberry cobbler, peach ice cream, banana pudding and oatmeal cream pies.

In my South people put peanuts in bottles of Coca-Cola and hot sauce on almost everything.

In my South the tea is iced and almost as sweet as the women.

My South has air-conditioning.

My South is camellias, azaleas, wisteria and hydrangeas.

In my South, the only person that has to sit on the back of the bus is the last person that got on the bus.

In my South, people still say "Yes, ma'am," "No ma'am," "Please" and "Thank you."

In my South, we all wear shoes... most of the time.

My South is the best-kept secret in the country.

Please continue to keep the secret... it keeps the idiots away!

 

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells? ... read to the end...


It was a new one for me The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.


..... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!

 

I always hate to pop people's bubbles, but here it is:

http://www.snopes.com/history/american/gauge.htm

JonasM