Joke of the Day, Vintage Style
05-13-2005 | 05:53 PM
#491
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 12,381
Likes: 526
From: Clifton, VA
Subject: Official Announcement
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
05-14-2005 | 09:09 AM
#492
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,086
Likes: 0
From: St. Pete, Florida
Can You Get Married in Heaven?
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"
05-15-2005 | 07:45 AM
#493
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 345
Likes: 0
The Wedding Test
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year
when we decided to get
married. My parents helped us in every way, and my
friends encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one
thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age,
wore tight miniskirts,
and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down
when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her
underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it
when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over
to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I
arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be
married, and she had feelings and desires for me that
she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to
me just once before
I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties
and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door.
I opened the door, stepped out of the house and walked
straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said,
"We are very happy you have passed our little test.
We could not ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is.....
"Always keep your condoms in your car!"
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year
when we decided to get
married. My parents helped us in every way, and my
friends encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one
thing bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age,
wore tight miniskirts,
and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down
when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her
underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it
when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over
to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I
arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be
married, and she had feelings and desires for me that
she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to
me just once before
I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if
you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her
go up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties
and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went
straight to the front door.
I opened the door, stepped out of the house and walked
straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said,
"We are very happy you have passed our little test.
We could not ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is.....
"Always keep your condoms in your car!"
05-16-2005 | 04:45 AM
#494
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,086
Likes: 0
From: St. Pete, Florida
Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran
over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range
Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against
him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it
and immediately a genie appeared.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie.
"As a reward I shall grant you one wish." "Well," said the Prince, "I have all
the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walked over to
the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back
to life for me?" the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too
far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would
like?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two
photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince
Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called
Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't
beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have
a look at that dog again."
over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range
Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against
him and now his mother would go ballistic.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it
and immediately a genie appeared.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie.
"As a reward I shall grant you one wish." "Well," said the Prince, "I have all
the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walked over to
the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back
to life for me?" the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too
far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would
like?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two
photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince
Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called
Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't
beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have
a look at that dog again."
05-16-2005 | 05:54 AM
#495
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 345
Likes: 0
05-17-2005 | 08:09 AM
#497
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 345
Likes: 0
Be carefull when you say " I'ld give _______ " for ______ to happen,
http://us.f320.mail.yahoo.com/ym/log...=cuv5m1gauabop
http://us.f320.mail.yahoo.com/ym/log...=cuv5m1gauabop
05-17-2005 | 01:28 PM
#498
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 345
Likes: 0
Subject:An old timer's story...
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace?
He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes.
I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: 'RRROOAARRR!!!' ..........I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now, when I said 'RRROOAAARRR!!!'"
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace?
He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes.
I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: 'RRROOAARRR!!!' ..........I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now, when I said 'RRROOAAARRR!!!'"
