People often ask me what I like most about being a veterinarian.

I tell them I enjoy the simple pleasure of being able to walk down the road, meet Mrs Green, and ask how her cat looks today; of shopping in the mall, seeing Mr Brown, and asking if his dog is going well; of going to the movies, catching up with Mrs Smith who will cheerily tell me about her terrier.

That's a pleasure I wouldn't have had if I'd been a proctologist.

 

At 85 years of age, WALTER marries Mary. She is a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Mary decides that after their wedding she and Walter should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Mary prepares herself for bed, and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens and there is Walter, her 85 year old groom, ready for "action." They "unite as one" and all goes well; Walter takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Mary hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Walter, and again, he is ready for "action." Somewhat surprised, but nonetheless willing, Mary consents to more "conjugal bliss." When the love-birds are done, Walter kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but Walter is back again, rapping on the door, as fresh as a 25-year old, ready for more passion. Once again, they enjoy one another. But as Walter prepares to leave again, his young bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. Walter, you are truly a great lover."

Walter, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Mary and says, "You mean I was here already?"

 

A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

 

i really enjoyed the one from sugar bear on how to shower like a man/woman. to close to reality here.

 

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives
paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in
Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school
from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon
Graduation, became priests.
Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all
respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was
swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope
died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less
time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the
world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that
Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with
all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that
shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in
which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose
to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear
the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic church being called Pope Secola."


(No groaning! )

 

20 Great Groaners

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.....

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Why? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

14. I went to the butcher's the other day and bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

Hmmm...I just notice #15 is missing! Oh well, make that 19.

 

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,
a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,
cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is
on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and
the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,
"Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You
broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when
you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose,
and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady,
I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot breakfast - $4.20
Red rose bud - $3.00
Two aspirins - $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless

 

 

Please forgive me, but:

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Confucius: Man who jump off Paris bridge is in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

If you didn't like these, blame MsPerky!!

 

^ Hey, I resemble that remark!