Thanks. The truth is sometimes stranger than fiction.

 

WHY GOD MADE MOM

Enjoy the answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions:

Why Did God make Mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How Did God Make Mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What Ingredients Are Mother's Made Of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string I think.

Why Did God Give You Your Mother And not Some Other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What Kind Of Little Girl Was Your Mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff...
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What Did Mom Need To Know About Dad Before She Married Him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why Did Your Mom Marry Your Dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's The Boss At Your House?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goofball
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's The Difference Between Moms And Dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What Does Your Mom Do In Her Spare Time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What Would It Take To Make Your Mom Perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If You Could Change One Thing About Your Mom What Would It Be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

 

A college student at a recent football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh...."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the old geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are YOU doing for the next generation?"

 

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver -- a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie -- leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The young man parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give him back to me?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."

 

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the
Pearly Gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of
these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a moment and then said, "All my life
I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors... I
would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a HUGE
fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in
an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God
met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same
offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives...
from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we
could just have some little roller-skates, we would never
have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful
little roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat... He
found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently
awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How
have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL... I've
never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy
and those little "Meals-on-Wheels" that You have been
sending over are delicious.

 

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver

 

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were
blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake
and fell down.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going.
In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what type of
animal I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours.
I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what
you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake
slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with
soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you
have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over
with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're
smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and
no balls. I'd say you must be either a Team Leader, Supervisor or
possibly someone in Senior Management."

 

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls
Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly
drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near
a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head
stone.
The first woman having nothing to dry herself with took off her panties,
used them, and then threw them away. Her friend, however, wearing rather
expensive underwear didn't want to ruin hers, so she was lucky enough to
salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. She
dried herself with the ribbon.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other woman's husband and
said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came
home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck
to her ass that said, " FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER
FORGET YOU."

 

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD.....Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...

This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car, I start toward the garage & notice the mail on the table.

Ok, I'm going to wash the car...but 1st I'm going to go through the mail.

I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail & I notice the trash can is full.

Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk & take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills 1st.

Now where is my checkbook? Oops...there's only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk.

Oh, there's the coke I was drinking...I'm going to look for those checks...but 1st I need to put my coke further away from the computer, oh, maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while...

I head towards the kitchen & my flowers catch my eye. They need some water...

I set the coke on the counter & uh oh! There's my glasses...I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away 1st.

I fill a container with water & head for the flower pots-Aaaaaaaagh!..

Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We'll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs!

I splash some water into the pots & onto the floor. I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa & I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do!!??

END OF THE DAY: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, flowers are 1/2 watered, the checkbook still has only 1 check in it & I can't seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!

I realize this is a serious condition & I'd get help, BUT 1ST I think I'll check my email!!!