Joke of the Day, Vintage Style
01-19-2005 | 05:43 PM
#341
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 12,381
Likes: 526
From: Clifton, VA
Most of these are SO TRUE!
MEN vs. WOMEN
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call > each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
MEN vs. WOMEN
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call > each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
01-21-2005 | 04:53 AM
#342
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 43,942
Likes: 3,040
From: Arlington, VA
Not sure if this is a repeat, but it's worth it...
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
01-21-2005 | 12:35 PM
#343
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 25,136
Likes: 330
From: Plattsburgh, NY
Subject: Indian Story
There once was an Indian whose given name was
"Onestone", so named because
he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone not
to call him Onestone!
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked
and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more!
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where
he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all
the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he
promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name
until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village
after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,
was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night,
made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night but,
Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?
Think about it
And the moral is . . .
''...You can't kill two birds with one stone."
There once was an Indian whose given name was
"Onestone", so named because
he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone not
to call him Onestone!
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked
and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more!
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where
he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all
the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he
promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name
until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village
after being away for many years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,
was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night,
made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night but,
Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?
Think about it
And the moral is . . .
''...You can't kill two birds with one stone."
01-22-2005 | 07:40 AM
#344
Registered User
Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 10,478
Likes: 0
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds
his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice,
"Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair,
given that you are blind, that you should know five
things...
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a
professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a
Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude!
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to
tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says:
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting
there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice,
"Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair,
given that you are blind, that you should know five
things...
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a
professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a
Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude!
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to
tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says:
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
01-22-2005 | 11:00 AM
#345
Registered User
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 2,771
Likes: 0
From: Houston, TX
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"
He replied, "Holy S#%*...! Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but ME....?!"
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"
He replied, "Holy S#%*...! Everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but ME....?!"
01-24-2005 | 09:49 AM
#346
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 25,136
Likes: 330
From: Plattsburgh, NY
Investment Tips
Investment Tips for 2005: For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implosion, be
aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the
near future:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: KnottNOW!
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang.
Investment Tips for 2005: For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implosion, be
aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in the
near future:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: KnottNOW!
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang.
01-24-2005 | 09:28 PM
#347
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 232
Likes: 0
From: Salinas
A burglar cases a neighborhood and locates a house that is empty every night. About midnight he breaks into the house. As he walks around looking for valuables, he hears a voice say "Repent, Jesus sees you". He looks around and cannot find anyone. Again he hears "Repent, Jesus sees you". The burglar finds a light switch and turns the light on. Across the room he sees a parrot. The burglar laughs, thinking it is only a parrot. About that time he hears a dog growl. The burglar looks to find a Rotweiler. The parrot says, "Jesus, get 'im"!
01-25-2005 | 05:06 PM
#348
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 12,381
Likes: 526
From: Clifton, VA
Four brothers left home for college, ultimately they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to! name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to! name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
01-26-2005 | 07:07 PM
#349
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 485
Likes: 1
From: San Angelo
Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."
The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that; you really don't want to make him mad!"
"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump (of course) didn't respond. The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I will fire."
The older alien again warned his comrade, "You don't want to do that; you really don't want to make him mad!"
"Rubbish," replied the younger alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later, when he finally regained consciousness, refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly up at the wiser one, who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature," said the young fried one. "It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler onto the crispy, peeling flesh and shared some knowledge. "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy," said the wise old alien. "When a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't mess with him."
01-27-2005 | 12:12 AM
#350
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 25,136
Likes: 330
From: Plattsburgh, NY
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and
fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.