W A L K I N G I N A D O G G I E W O N D E R L A N D . . .

(Sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland)


Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?
In the lane, snow is glistenin'.
It's yellow, NOT white - I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.


Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!
Marked up as my winter wonderland."


In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go Man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!


Straight from me to the fence post,
flows the stream that I love most;
It says "Stay off my TURF, this small piece of earth,
I marked it as my winter wonderland.

 

XMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

NARCISSISTIC: Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)


PARANOIA: Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.


PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then maybe I'll tell you why.


OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell...


PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).


BORDERLINE PERSONALITY: Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire


MULTIPLE PERSONALITY: We Three Kings Disoriented Are.


DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.


SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

 

CHRISTMAS WEATHER FORECAST

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190oF. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway.

During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34oF in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to the next two days, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established.

Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

 

SCOTTISH SANTA

A Scottish Santa, on duty at the local department store, was dressed in a kilt - in 'Regimental Fashion' (nothing under it).

A young boy, on approaching the venerable old gent, noticed this and when asked what he wanted for Christmas, was hesitant to say.

His mother prompted him not to be shy. "Tell Santa what you want for Christmas, dear."

The lad squirmed and finally blurted out "Well, Santa, if you can grant my wish, I'd be so happy."

"What is it you'd like?" asked Santa.

"I'd like a wee set of bagpipes just like the one I saw under your kilt!"

 

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.


Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored Louise to perfect health!

 

Subject: Help Wanted



HELP WANTED

Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful
applicant must be bilingual. We are an
Equal Opportunity Employer.



A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the
window, saw the sign and went inside. He
looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to
the sign, looked at it, whined and
pawed the air.



The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say
the least to see a canine applicant.
However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside the dog jumped up on a chair
and stared at the manager expectantly. The manager said, "I can't
hire you. The sign says you must be
able to type. The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and
proceeded to quickly type a perfect
business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the
manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up
on the chair.



The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but
I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that
whoever I hire has to be good with a computer. The dog jumped down
again, went to the computer and
proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced
a sample spreadsheet and
database, then presented them to the manager. The manager was
dumbfounded!! He said to the dog,
"Hey I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have
fantastic talent, but you're a dog - no way
can I hire you.



The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his
paw at the words, "Equal
Opportunity Employer."



The exasperated manager said, "Yes I know what the damned sign says.
But the sign also says you must
be bilingual."



The dog looked him straight in the eye and said,










"Meow."

 

: CHRISTMAS RULES FOR DIETING


>
> 1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no
calories.
>
> 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
>
> 3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not
> eat more than they do.
>
> 4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot
chocolate,brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
>
> 5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
>
> 6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they
are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
> (Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and
> Tootsie Rolls.)
>
> 7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes
> calorie leakage.
>
> 8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in
> the process of preparing something sweet and gooey.
>
> 9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
> (Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed
> potatoes; pink grapefruit and ham.)
>
> 10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any
other food color.
>
> 11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to
> gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
>
> 12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since
> the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to
> his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
>
> REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

>
> Try to keep the above in mind. Have a happy holiday season y'all.
>

 

Subject: The Church Gossip


Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her
enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member,
of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of
the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there
would know what he was doing.

George,a retired MARINE and a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny, he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house and left it there all night.

Ain't PAYBACK wonderfull

 

You Might Be in the Wrong Church If...


The sign out front says ''Church-Lite: Home of the original Ten-Minute Sermonette and the 7.5% Tithe.''

You have to pass a metal detector to get inside.

The usher who meets you at the door says, ''Hurry on in, the show is about ready to start.''

The usher asks: ''Smoking or non-smoking?''

You are asked to fasten your seatbelt before the service starts moving.

The pastor is introduced with a Johnny Carson-style "Heeeeeere's Sparky.''

The pastor's sermon begins with ''Let me tell you about my book.''

The choir performs ''Mighty Fortress Is Our God"--as a polka.

When the choir sings, the dogs outside begin to howl, and are closer to the tune.

A week before Christmas, the minister announces that the church will be "closed for the holidays.''

The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss version.

The scripture lesson is on "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors.''

The preacher is wearing a ''David Koresh Rules!'' T-shirt.

The ushers passing around the offering basket are wearing ski masks.

The choir wears black leather robes.

The organist is Boris Karloff, or appears to be his stunt double.

The Elders Council meetings usually break up in a fight for the remote control.

The church picnic will be held at KFC this year.

The church bus has a gun rack.

And the number one sign that you're in the wrong church: They have open Communion...but there is a two-drink minimum.

 

Dear Abby,

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f****** red mark on his forehead.

Sincerely,

Bitchy in Alberta


Dean