HAHA Tom - But I think you owe apologies to more than our UK friends for some of those!

 

A young bull and an old bull are standing on a hill overlooking a herd of cows. The young bull says, "Let's run down the hill and have us one of them heifers." The old bull smiles, and says, "Son, let's WALK down the hill and have them all!"

 

Any kind of good joke is worth reading.

But why not post just Vintage-oriented ones in this thread (use the thread on the Off-Topic Forum for the others)?

 

Yep, that's why I chose vintage ones for here. But I will probably post all of them in the OT thread just because those readers aren't going to be looking for jokes over here, or at least not funny ones! Little do they know...

 

President George W. Bush was making one of those "photo opportunity" appearances at an elementary school. After making a few remarks, he asked if any of the children had any questions.

A little boy held up his hand and the President recognized him. "What's your name, son."

The little boy replied, "I'm Billy and I have three questions for you. One, why did the U.S. invade Iraq without U.N. sanction? Two, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes? And three, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then, the recess bell rang. President Bush told the children that they'd resume where they left off after recess and the children ran out to play. When they returned, the President said, "Where were we? Oh, yea, the question and answer session. Who has a question?"

A different little boy raised his hand, and George W. asked him his name. The boy replied, "I'm Bobby, and I have five questions for you. One, why did the U.S. invade Iraq without U.N. sanction? Two, why are you president when Al Gore got more votes? Three, what happened to Osama Bin Laden? Four, why did the recess bell ring twenty minutes early? And five, where's Billy?"

 

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat"

 

Some of the artists from the days of the oldies are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate the older generation:

Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"

The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"

The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"

Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"

Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"

Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"

Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

ABBA - "Denture Queen"

Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"

Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"

Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"

Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"

 

Then versus Now, for Vintage folks:

Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer

Then: Paar
Now: AARP

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your folks.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.

Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: Obsessing over your PSAT scores
Now: Obsessing over your PSA scores

Then: You're growing pot
Now: Your growing pot

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying president
Now: Fighting to keep the lying president

Then: President Johnson
Now: The president's johnson

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

 

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, or heard about the most current fashion trends, the following combinations DO NOT go well together:
* A nose ring and bifocals.
* Spiked hair and bald spots.
* Miniskirts and support hose.
* Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
* Speedos and cellulite.
* A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar.
* Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor.
* Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge.
* Bikinis and liver spots.
* Short shorts and varicose veins.
* In-line skates and a walker.

 

An elderly couple from Pennsylvania are driving along the Ohio turnpike, when a state tropper pulls them over. As the trooper comes up to the driver's window, the elderly lady in the driver's seat starts in on the old man: "You were speeding, weren't you? I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen! You always drive too fast, and now you're in trouble!"

The gentleman ignores her and rolls down his window: "What's the problem, officer?"

Trooper: "Did you know you were doing 78 when you passed me back there?"

The old lady, bending over to hear: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Old man: "He says I was speeding."

Trooper: "I'll need to see you license and registration."

Old Lady: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Old Man: "He needs to see my license and registration". He passes them to the trooper.

Trooper: "So, you're from Pennsylvania, huh? "

Old Lady: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Old Man: "He says we're from Pennsylvania."

Trooper: "Worst sex I ever had in my life was in Pennsylvania."

Old Lady: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Old Man: "He says he knows you."