I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class. I bent, twisted, laid down, got up,
gyrated, jumped up and down, pulled up, looked down, and perspired for an
hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

 

THIRTEEN THOUGHTS TO PONDER TODAY!


13. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway...

12. Life is sexually transmitted...

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die...

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich...

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks...

8. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again...

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism...

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first...

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these Terrorists.... most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you!! I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security!!

 

Subject: TEXAS CHILI CONTEST CHILI JUDGING CONTEST: A Texas Chili Contest - If you
can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you.**
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have
a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park. The notes are from
an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the
call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I
ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild
foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.
Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable
kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne
peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer
focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.Sally saved
my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.
I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers
at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel
a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy
enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry
to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

 

I have eaten with people like judge #3!!! Hot is actually an acquired taste, though. We're always quite amused when we go up North and order "hot wings".

 

Martha obviously has little faith in my culinary abilities. She emailed this recipe to me this morning:

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
It works really well for the guys who don't cook very often but sometimes want to surprise their sweet wives:

6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (I recommend Orville Redenbacher's low-fat)
Salt/pepper to taste.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter,
salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking
pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the
popping sounds.

When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies
across the room, it is done.

Dean

 

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS DINER

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all o f that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready

 

An oldie but goodie...

Subject: Chemistry Exam

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A

 

Three young sons were all very successful, and they each decided to get something very special for their widowed mother for Christmas. The first one got her a beautiful new Mercedes limo. The second one for her a lovely huge home. The third one wracked his brain, and finally found the perfect gift...he paid a small fortune for a parrot which had been trained at a monastery for years by Franciscan monks and taught to recite the entire Bible.

After Christmas, the mother called the boys together. She told them all that she truly appreciated their thoughtfulness, but there were problems with the gifts. First, the Mercedes. It was too big, difficult to drive, and besides, she was used to taking the bus and didn't want to put up with a car, so she gave it away. The house...oy vey...it was way too big for her, too much to clean, too much to look after, so she put it on the market to sell it. Then she turned to the youngest boy and said, "But you, my son, you gave me the perfect gift. The chicken was delicious."

 

President George Bush was on a trip to several European countries. While visiting England, he is invited to tea with the Queen and he asks her what her leadership philosophy is.

She says that her philosophy is to surround herself with intelligent people.

He asks how she knows if they are intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions" says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

The Queen phones Tony Blair, puts him on the speaker phone and says, "Mr Prime Minister, please answer this question for me: Your mother has a child, your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "Why it's me, m'am"

"Correct. Thank you and goodbye sir" says the Queen.

She hangs up and says "Did you get that, Mr. President?"

"Yes, 'm'am, thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning home, he decides he'd better put some of his old friends to the test.

He calls Dick Cheney first and says, "Hey Dick, I wonder if you can answer a question for me?"

"Why of course, Mr. President, What's on your mind?"

"Well your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Cheney hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees and Cheney hangs up.

Cheney immediately calls members of his staff and they puzzle over the question for several hours but nobody can come up with the answer. Finally, in desperation Cheney calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here, Colin, your mother has a child, your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister, Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately "It's me of course, you idiot"

Much relieved, Cheney rushes back to call Bush and exclaims, "I know the answer sir, I know who it is!! It's Colin Powell!!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you moron, it's Tony Blair!"

 

Liberals Sneaking Across The Border

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

''I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was ####Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,'' said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. ''He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?''

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higherfences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. ''Not real effective,'' he said. ''The liberals still got through, and
Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk.''

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. ''A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,'' an Ontario border patrolman said. ''I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though.''

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. ''If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,'' an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. ''I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,'' an Ottawa resident said. ''How many art-history majors does one country need?''

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out.''