Joke of the Day, Vintage Style
11-22-2004 | 04:32 AM
#261
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Joined: Oct 2000
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From: St. Pete, Florida
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
11-22-2004 | 07:46 AM
#262
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Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 485
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From: San Angelo
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offering.
"Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
"Without you we are but dust. . . "
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter
(who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
"Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
"Without you we are but dust. . . "
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter
(who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
11-22-2004 | 08:29 AM
#263
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Joined: Mar 2004
Posts: 10,478
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Ole is a farmer in Visconsin. He is in need of a new milk cow and
hears about a nice one for sale over in Minnesota. He drives to
Minnesota, looks at the cow, reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow,
then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls,
and the cow farts again.
Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to
buy the cow and take it home.
He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey Sven, come and look
at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat
happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis cow in Minnesota, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."
Dean
hears about a nice one for sale over in Minnesota. He drives to
Minnesota, looks at the cow, reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised, looks at the farmer who is selling the cow,
then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls,
and the cow farts again.
Milk does come out, however, so after some discussion, Ole decides to
buy the cow and take it home.
He calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey Sven, come and look
at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat
happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis cow in Minnesota, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah, dats right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Minnesota."
Dean
11-22-2004 | 08:45 AM
#264
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 143
Likes: 0
From: Federal Way
Speaking of Wisconsin cows:
The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Antigo,Wisconsin, for $200.00.
They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."
The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk.
The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Antigo,Wisconsin, for $200.00.
They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?"
The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."
11-22-2004 | 01:38 PM
#265
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Joined: Oct 2000
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From: St. Pete, Florida
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
11-22-2004 | 02:37 PM
#266
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,827
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From: Bay Area
Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called "Yam". Of course, they wanted the best for her.
When it was time, they told Yam about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato', and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand, she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out West, they told her to watch out for the cowboys so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say 'Frito Lays'.
Mr and Mrs Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. Yam did very well in college, she graduated at the head of her class -- the Head Potato. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
'Tom Brokaw!?' Mr and Mrs Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just............
A COMMON TATER
When it was time, they told Yam about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato', and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand, she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out West, they told her to watch out for the cowboys so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say 'Frito Lays'.
Mr and Mrs Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. Yam did very well in college, she graduated at the head of her class -- the Head Potato. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
'Tom Brokaw!?' Mr and Mrs Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just............
A COMMON TATER
11-23-2004 | 04:27 AM
#267
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,086
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From: St. Pete, Florida
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One
afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass
bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried
to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease."
"Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One
afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass
bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried
to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease."
"Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
11-24-2004 | 08:34 AM
#268
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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 2,771
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From: Houston, TX
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I full
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I full
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
11-24-2004 | 08:53 AM
#269
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Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 2,771
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From: Houston, TX
In today's world, Bud Abbott and Lou Costello's infamous sketch "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTE! LLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just ! say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it' s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS L ATER .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT . . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTE! LLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just ! say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it' s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS L ATER .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........
11-28-2004 | 12:08 AM
#270
Registered User
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 345
Likes: 0
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking,
surely I can't look that old?" I was sitting in the waiting room for my
first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma which
bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome,
dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school
class some 40-odd years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly
discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the
deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Mason County
Easten
High school. "Yes, Yes, I did. I'm a Cardinal." he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1962. Why do
you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me
closely. Then that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked,
"What did you teach?"
surely I can't look that old?" I was sitting in the waiting room for my
first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma which
bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome,
dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school
class some 40-odd years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly
discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the
deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Mason County
Easten
High school. "Yes, Yes, I did. I'm a Cardinal." he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1962. Why do
you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me
closely. Then that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked,
"What did you teach?"