Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat
down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They
would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and
whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in
the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected
only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his
siblings,which gave him all the milk.


After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world
had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get
near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a
strange looking animal.


It was a 9 foot long Dachshund.


Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog
could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage, and
slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the
American Dachshund--- but when it got close enough to bite, the
Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.

There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief,

"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best
people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic
surgeons
working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weiner dog."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

 

How to Avoid the Flu

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

Get plenty of rest.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR .... You can take the doctor's office approach like I do. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So......
I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!!!!

 

An ancient mystery solved!!!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

 

Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.

"Certainly madam," he replied.

"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.

The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

"Morning madam...sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary...who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written:-








Wait for it...








This is really bad....








You know it's coming...








"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocio us"

 

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging
her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower,
rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger
boobies".

So she did this faithfully for several months, and it worked!

She grew great b(*)(*)bs!

One morning she was running late and when she was on the bus she
realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved
her new boobs and didn't want to lose them. So she got up, right in
the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies I want bigger
boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any
chance?"

"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

He leaned toward her and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock".

 

The real reason so many TV network affiliate stations refused to show that movie on Veteran's Day is that they thought the movie title was "Shaving Ryan's Private!"

 

Subject: Year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the
seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally
known as California.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United
States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the
American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known
as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at
least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to
safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by
Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be
imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has
banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89
and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays Only !

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key
to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a
fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman
with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates
their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven
inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers,
screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers
must be registered by January 2036.

Last federal gun law finally revoked with help through NRA, who
remembers the sad old times, when there was still licensing for guns.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal
political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with
congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 55 percent.

Floridians still don't know how to use a voting machine.

 

An elderly gentleman walks into a Starbucks, orders his coffee and looks for a place to sit down. The only open chair is at a table already occupied by an attractive woman who appears to be a bit younger than him. Might be nice to meet... he thinks, so he walks over and asks "Is this seat taken? And if not, may I join you?"

She looks up from her book with a smile, and says "No, the seat is not taken, and I would welcome some company."

He sits down, stirs his coffee and asks "So, tell me, do I come here often?"

 

HUSBAND WANTED

A lonely older lady, aged 75,
decided it was time to get married.
She put a want ad in the local paper that read:
"HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group,
must not beat me,
must not run around on me,
and must still be good in bed!
All applicants must apply in person."
On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring.
Much to her dismay, when she opened the door,
there sat a man in a wheelchair.
He had no arms or legs.
She asked sardonically
"You're not expecting me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you----you have no legs!"
The old man smiled,
"Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely.
"Are you still good in bed?" she asked.
The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

 

The Rodeo Position

Bull-riding must be like kindergarten compared to the inherent
dangers of this.....

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions.
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other
cowboy, "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you
mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of
her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel
just like your sister's."

"Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."