Joke of the Day, Vintage Style
10-13-2004 | 10:04 AM
#234
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 25,136
Likes: 330
From: Plattsburgh, NY
Grandma's Birth Control Pills
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for
most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the
new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines
that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was
looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized
she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs.
Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure
you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could
possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the
young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every
morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange
juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And
believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
10-13-2004 | 05:00 PM
#235
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 12,381
Likes: 526
From: Clifton, VA
^^^^ Continuing that thought, about seniors.
A son goes to visit his elderly father that had moved into a Catholic nursing home a week earlier. The good son, had researched the reputations of various places before helping his father make the final decision. The discussion goes like this:
Son: Well Pop how do you like it here? Are they treating you well?
Father: Yes, the staff treats me well. I have already made a few friends that I have stuff in common with. I found a chess player. And to be honest their is this woman Slyvia that is quite a looker. And since they started giving me Viagra with warm milk to swallow it with I have been sleeping like a baby!
The son gets very upset that a Catholic nursing home would be giving his father Viagra and races to the Administrators Office demanding an explanation on how they could do such a thing.
The Administrator replies: Please calm down, it is not how it appears on the surface. We discovered that this does help our residents sleep better. We actually only give our male residents half of a Viagra along with warm milk. The warm milk helps them sleep and the Viagra helps keep them from falling out of bed.
A son goes to visit his elderly father that had moved into a Catholic nursing home a week earlier. The good son, had researched the reputations of various places before helping his father make the final decision. The discussion goes like this:
Son: Well Pop how do you like it here? Are they treating you well?
Father: Yes, the staff treats me well. I have already made a few friends that I have stuff in common with. I found a chess player. And to be honest their is this woman Slyvia that is quite a looker. And since they started giving me Viagra with warm milk to swallow it with I have been sleeping like a baby!
The son gets very upset that a Catholic nursing home would be giving his father Viagra and races to the Administrators Office demanding an explanation on how they could do such a thing.
The Administrator replies: Please calm down, it is not how it appears on the surface. We discovered that this does help our residents sleep better. We actually only give our male residents half of a Viagra along with warm milk. The warm milk helps them sleep and the Viagra helps keep them from falling out of bed.
10-14-2004 | 05:33 AM
#236
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 485
Likes: 1
From: San Angelo
Lesser Known Dog Breeds
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by . . . oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by . . . oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Bull Terrier + Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed
10-27-2004 | 03:10 AM
#238
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 43,942
Likes: 3,040
From: Arlington, VA
Ladies Restroom
A gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms.
The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR". Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!" "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin.
"That last button marked "ATR" is an Automatic Tampax Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
A gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms.
The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: "WW", "WA", and "PP", and there was one red button labeled "ATR". Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the "WW" button. Warm Water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the "WA" button. Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the "PP" button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!" "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin.
"That last button marked "ATR" is an Automatic Tampax Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
10-27-2004 | 04:42 AM
#239
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,086
Likes: 0
From: St. Pete, Florida
Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex:
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!
10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!
10-27-2004 | 07:55 AM
#240
Registered User
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 458
Likes: 0
From: Columbus
Might be a repost, but my friend had me rollin' with this one...
So, yesterday I got pulled over on the interstate. The cop walks up to my window and says, "Any reason you were goin so fast?" So I told him, "Yeah, I'm late for work." He says, "Late for work? What do ya do?" So I tell him, "I stretch a55holes." He says, "Stretch A55HOLES!!?" So I said, "Yup, each time I go I can get about an extra inch, and, by the time I'm done, I can get one up to six feet." The cop doesn't know what to think, so he says, "Now what in the world would you do with a six foot a55hole?", and I said, "I dunno? Put him on the side of the road and give him a radar gun and let him write tickets."
This follows so nicely with my feelings about the OH State Highway Patrol.
So, yesterday I got pulled over on the interstate. The cop walks up to my window and says, "Any reason you were goin so fast?" So I told him, "Yeah, I'm late for work." He says, "Late for work? What do ya do?" So I tell him, "I stretch a55holes." He says, "Stretch A55HOLES!!?" So I said, "Yup, each time I go I can get about an extra inch, and, by the time I'm done, I can get one up to six feet." The cop doesn't know what to think, so he says, "Now what in the world would you do with a six foot a55hole?", and I said, "I dunno? Put him on the side of the road and give him a radar gun and let him write tickets."
This follows so nicely with my feelings about the OH State Highway Patrol.