ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This
time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more
amused when on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained
to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years
old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it
was like this: When the lady
got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a
sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said: "Logan's Liniment will reduce
the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a
deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could
hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and
sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
Accident".. I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!

 

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."


Don't ever underestimate us old geezers.

 

^You made me .

Yours too, Matt.

 

Patty,

You and Andy will be missed at FCT04.

But, I wonder about Spring Fling?

 

A snail was walking down the street, when along came two turtles. The turtles assaulted and robbed the snail.
When the snail recovered he called the police. While the officers were taking down the information, one of them asked the snail for a description.
The snail replied "I don't know, it all happened so FAST"

My grandchildren loved this one!

 

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging
along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old
man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells,"WHAT
DID HE SAY?"

His wife yells back, "HE NEEDS YOUR UNDERWEAR

 

The Principles of Jewish Buddhism

1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such round shoulders.

2. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

3. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

5. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

6. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget to do this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

7. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

8. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

9. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

10. Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

11. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

12. Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes!

 

Senior citizen to his eighty-year old buddy, "So I hear you are getting married?"


"Yep!"



"This woman, is she good looking?"



"Not really."



"Is she a good cook?"



"Naw, she can't cook too well."



"Does she have lots of money?"



"No, poor as a church mouse."



"Well then, is she good in bed?"



"I don't know."



"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"



"She can still drive."

 

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper
with fire at one end and a fool at the other.

Marriage : An agreement in which a man loses
his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Lecture : An art of transferring information
from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of
the students without passing through the minds
of either.

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied
by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such
a way that everybody believes he got the biggest
piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine
will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.

Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before
marriage.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going
to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not
read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things
straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your
strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get
to open their mouth.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you
know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing
individually and sit to decide that nothing
can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during
life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell
in such a way that you actually look forward to
the trip.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath
if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from the
Eiffel Tower says midway in flight "See, I am
not injured yet."

Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last
letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in
OPPORTUNITY.

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can
die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest...
except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late
and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before
elections and your confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills,
and kills you with his bills.

 

Domino vobiscum. The pizza guy is here.

Sharpei diem. Seize the wrinkled dog.

Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus. Remove foil before microwaving.

Motorolus interruptus. Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.

Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi forevercus. Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.

E Pluribus Tupac. Rap is everywhere.

Veni, vidi, Pesci. I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.

Veni, vidi, Velcro. I came; I saw; I stuck around.

Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat. Yeah, where DO I want to go today??

Sic semper tyrannus. Your dinosaur is ill.

No Quid Pro Quo. I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.

Tempo fugit. I drove my Ford off a bridge.

Modem non carbarundum. I need a new modem.

Carpe dentum Go soak your dentures.

E pluribus septum. Multiple nose piercings.