Found on another forum: BLACKSVILLE, W.Va. (AP) - Warning: smoking in the toilet can be dangerous. A portable toilet exploded Tuesday after a man who was inside it lit a cigarette.

Emergency workers said the man was not severely injured and drove himself to Clay-Battelle Community Health Center. He was later transferred to Ruby Memorial Hospital. His name and condition were not available Wednesday.

The explosion, which occurred in Blacksville, resulted from a buildup of methane gas inside the portable toilet. The methane did not "take too kindly" to the lit cigarette, said a spokeswoman for Monongalia Emergency Medical Services.

 

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve a Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

 

One more...



Billy stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What is taking so long?"

"My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony," Billy explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord," his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

 

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm back together.

The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she decided to give herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner, she with her friends and he with his. But when the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When he finally came in, she told him,

 

Still More

How to Tell if you are a Redneck


1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
18. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

 

An old one I haven't seen on the forum.

So the newlywed officer (lawyer or pick a profession) comes home to find his wife's bags packed on the porch. "What's going on honey", he asks. "I am leaving" she replies. "Come on honey tell me what's wrong" he asks again. "I am not talking" she spits out. "Please" he begs.
"ALL RIGHT... I just found out that you are a pedophile!" she cries. To which he says- "Pedophile! Pedophile! that's an awfully big word for a 12 year old!"

 

An 80-year-old man went for his annual check up and the doctor
> said,
> "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."
>
> The old man replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live
> a good, clean, spiritual life."
>
> The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"
>
> The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord
> wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in
> the middle of the night."
>
> The doc was concerned.
>
> "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the
> Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"
>
> "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom,
> the Lord turns the light on for me."
>
> Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's
> wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what
> her husband said.
>
> "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine
> physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told
> me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord
> turns the light on for him."
>
> "He what?" she cried.
>
> "He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord
> turns the light on for him."
>
> "A-ha!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the
> refrigerator!"
>

 

Not a joke, but funny (and a bit sick).....

JUNE 24--While seated on the bench, an Oklahoma judge used a male enhancement pump, shaved and oiled his nether region, and pleasured himself, state officials charged yesterday in a petition to remove the jurist. According to the below complaint filed by the Oklahoma Attorney General, Donald D. Thompson, 57, was caught in the act by a clerk, trial witnesses, and his longtime court reporter (these unsettling first-hand accounts will make you wonder what's going on under other black robes). Visitors to Thompson's Creek County courtroom reported hearing a "swooshing" sound coming from the bench, a noise the court reporter said "sounded like a blood pressure cuff being pumped up." Thompson, the complaint charges, even pumped himself up during an August 2003 murder trial. The AG's petition quotes Thompson (pictured above) as admitting that the pump was "under the bench" during the murder case (and at other times), but he denied using the item, which was supposedly a "gag gift from a friend." >>

See the petition at http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0624041pump1.html

 

THE IRISH VIRGIN

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:

BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the
funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:

RETURNED UNOPENED

 

NAVAJO - MESSAGE TO THE MOON
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the
astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One
day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew
walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked
a question. His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the
astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon.


When his son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all
excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the
astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA
official, accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and
told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's
comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked
the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son
listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he
refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a
nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the
tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to
translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned.
After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the
message: "Watch out for these a$$holes.
They have come to steal your land."