OK...Naughty joke alert, so beware!

News from Pepsi Co
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be
available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi
Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It
will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a
stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft
drink, and it gives new meaning to the
names "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old
fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new
concoction by the name of "MOUNT & DO."

Woohoo! CORNER...

 

You Might be a Red Neck If... (2004 Version)

1. Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
2. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
3. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
4. You have a relative living in your garage.
5. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
6. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
7. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
8. None of the tires on your van are the same size.
9. You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
10. Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.
11. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
12. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
13. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
14. You've slow danced in the Waffle House.
15. Starting your car involves popping the hood.
16. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
17. You whistle at women in church.
18. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
19. You've been in a fist fight at a yard sale.
20. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back.
21. You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.

 

The Funeral

The preacher delivered the eulogy:
"She married and had 13 children. Her husband died".
"She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died".
"But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died".

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said: "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied: "I think he means her legs."

 

Finally, a universal political bumper sticker:

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put 'em on the rear bumper... Republicans on the front bumper.

 

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not to pleased to read the description in the catalogue:
- "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea... Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books... You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

What would men be without women? - Scarce, sir... mighty scarce.
- Mark wain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
- Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
- W.C. Fields

I never drink water, because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
- George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

Everything in life is a racket until proven otherwise. Unless you're in on it.
- P. W. Hull

 

One more by W.C. Fields: "Every man should have something to believe in... and I believe I'll have another drink".

 

There are two statues in a park - one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."

The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head".

So what were you thinking?

 

Everyone has contributed some great funnies here! Thanks a Bunch! Here is my humble contribution

 

A POEM FOR COMPUTER USERS OVER 50

A computer was something on TV
From a Science Fiction show of note,
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the father of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

A Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head.
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

-- Author unknown

 

Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. I handed the cashier $2.00 and started digging for some change. I pulled out 8 cents and gave it to her. She stood there with $2 and 8 cents. She looked bewildered, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she burst into tears.

The incident got me thinking about how our kids were learning math in school (or not).

Teaching Math In 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5ths of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set of "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of product ion, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M." Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think o! f this w ay of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees. (There are no wrong answers)

Teaching Math In 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Anderson determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es . . . .