SERENE JAPANESE COMPUTER MESSAGES

Here are actual error messages seen on computer screens in Japan. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation"?

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The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
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Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
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Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
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Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
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Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
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Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
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Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
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A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
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Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
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You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
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Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, but we never will.
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Having been erased, the document you're seeking must now be retyped.
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Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
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Screen.
Mind.
Both are blank.

 

Three old women were talking about their love lives.
The first said:
- "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said:
- "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said:
- "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

 

THIS IS A NON-PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS, SINCE IT'S TRUE OF BOTH PARTIES...............

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar, and champagne.

Also present is the devil, which really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced, and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says,

"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted for us!"

 

Matt, I hope you don't kill this thread, I really enjoy it.

 

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters:
- "I don't like Chinese..."
- The copilot asks, "Why not?"
- "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"
- "No, no," the copilot protests, "The Chinese didn't not bomb Pearl Harbor! That was Japanese, not Chinese."
- "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"
After a few minutes of silence:
- "I don't like Jews!" the copilot suddenly mutters:
- "Why not?" asks the captain.
- "Jews sank the Titanic."
- "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"
- "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no matter......they're all the same!"

 

Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
13 I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by NNY S2k

 

A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent.

As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher "because the black horse don't know s**t about cars!"

 

THOUGHTS FROM A RETIRED MAN

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my
garage door opener instead.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on
beer cans.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is "when you still have
something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it."

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it
"Pumping Rust."

I've got that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is
falling into your drawers.

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you
got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask "Who is to be notified in case
of an emergency?" I think you should write, "A good doctor!"

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older. Then it dawned on me that they were cramming for their
finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on a curve.

 

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period.
Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started,
she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few
words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but "Nescaf