Joke of the Day, Vintage Style
05-27-2004 | 06:24 AM
#131
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 485
Likes: 1
From: San Angelo
For those of you that remember these, those were the good old days. For those of you that don't, you'll never know what you missed, this is only a sampling!!
Author unknown.
FENDER SKIRTS
Sometimes words get me to thinking, like .....
"Fender skirts!" What a great blast from the past! I hadn't thought about fender skirts in years. When I was a kid, I considered it such a funny term. Made me think of a car in a dress. Thinking about fender skirts started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. You kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 40 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental. But it never worked, in my estimation.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore: "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted.
This floors me: On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered their hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."
It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper: "divorce." And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee." Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long gone, too.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day: "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss: "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "ElectraLuxe." Introducing the
1963 Admiral TV, now with SpectraVision!
Food for thought: Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore, either.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most: "supper."
Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts and other good stuff!
Author unknown.
FENDER SKIRTS
Sometimes words get me to thinking, like .....
"Fender skirts!" What a great blast from the past! I hadn't thought about fender skirts in years. When I was a kid, I considered it such a funny term. Made me think of a car in a dress. Thinking about fender skirts started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. You kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 40 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental. But it never worked, in my estimation.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore: "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted.
This floors me: On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered their hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."
It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper: "divorce." And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee." Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long gone, too.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day: "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss: "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "ElectraLuxe." Introducing the
1963 Admiral TV, now with SpectraVision!
Food for thought: Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore, either.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most: "supper."
Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts and other good stuff!
05-27-2004 | 06:37 AM
#132
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 43,933
Likes: 3,034
From: Arlington, VA
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $20,000 left.
The friend says, "How can that be?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know....The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."
The friend says, "How can that be?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know....The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"
The widow says, "Three carats."
05-27-2004 | 05:17 PM
#133
Registered User
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 485
Likes: 1
From: San Angelo
Ha! Good one Ms. Perky!
A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so
they decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them
that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing
things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going? "
"To the kitchen," he replies.
She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
The husband says, "Sure."
She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you
can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that!"
She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better
write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget
that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that!
Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into
the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands
his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so
they decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them
that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing
things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going? "
"To the kitchen," he replies.
She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
The husband says, "Sure."
She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you
can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that!"
She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better
write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget
that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that!
Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into
the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands
his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
05-28-2004 | 06:53 AM
#134
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 43,933
Likes: 3,034
From: Arlington, VA
This one is a bit naughty, but I like the way it combines sports and cars. 
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is..."top o 'the morning to ya."
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are t'ose, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replied Tiger.
"Aw-Jeesus-Mary an'Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Buick t'ink o' everyt'ing. "
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is..."top o 'the morning to ya."
As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.
"So what are t'ose, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replied Tiger.
"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.
Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replied Tiger.
"Aw-Jeesus-Mary an'Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas at Buick t'ink o' everyt'ing. "
05-30-2004 | 03:10 AM
#135
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,086
Likes: 0
From: St. Pete, Florida
Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words (& leave it to the Post to search for new meanings). And the winners are...
1. Coffee (n.), A person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), Impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
Absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), An olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.), A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
Proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die your Soul
goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts
1. Coffee (n.), A person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), Impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
Absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), An olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.), A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
Proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die your Soul
goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts
...This is great! Somehow I missed it. Glad you posted this.
05-30-2004 | 10:36 AM
#137
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 753
Likes: 0
Subject: Pirate
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine now."
"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword
fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked
up and one of them sh** in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from some bird sh**."
"Well, it was my first day with the hook."
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't
seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine now."
"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword
fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked
up and one of them sh** in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just
from some bird sh**."
"Well, it was my first day with the hook."
05-31-2004 | 08:23 AM
#138
Thread Starter
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 3,086
Likes: 0
From: St. Pete, Florida
OLE & LENA'S HONEYMOON
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.
OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS
When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."
THAT'S HER!
A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, "Yep, dat's her!"
SWIM COMPETITION
A Swedish woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The Frenchwoman came in first, the Englishwoman second. The Swede reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls used der arms."
FAMOUS INVENTIONS
The Swedes invented the toilet seat. Twenty years later the Norwegians invented the hole in it.
VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400" said the first Norwegian. "Vell," said the other one, "At dat
price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more."
FINGERNAILS
One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."
THE RELATIONS
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex relations?" He asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."
MUSIC SOLUTION
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to." So Ole drove to Duluth.
OUTHOUSE PROBLEMS
When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, "I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents."
THAT'S HER!
A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, "Yep, dat's her!"
SWIM COMPETITION
A Swedish woman competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The Frenchwoman came in first, the Englishwoman second. The Swede reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose other two girls used der arms."
FAMOUS INVENTIONS
The Swedes invented the toilet seat. Twenty years later the Norwegians invented the hole in it.
VE COULDN'T AFFORD MORE
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. "The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400" said the first Norwegian. "Vell," said the other one, "At dat
price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more."
FINGERNAILS
One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails. "Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?" "It vas really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."
THE RELATIONS
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. "Lena, vat ever happened tew our sex relations?" He asked. "Vell, Ole, I yust don't know," replied Lena. "I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas."
MUSIC SOLUTION
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. "Oh," said Ole, "I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.
06-02-2004 | 03:24 PM
#139
Registered User
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 207
Likes: 0
From: Winchester
3 dogs are in the waiting room at the vets. The 1st dog is asked, "Why are you here?" He sorrowfully responds: "I'm a digger...I dug up the entire backyard of my master". The other 2 dogs look knowingly, and ask him simply, "Lethal injection?" The first dog nods sadly.
The 2nd dog is asked why he's here. He sadly responds: "I'm a biter. I bit my master's son twice last week." He's also asked: "Lethal injection?" He slowly nods his head.
The third dog volunteers: "I'm a humper. My master was bent over last night, and her behind was so inviting that I couldn't help myself, and I humped her." The other dogs ask sypathetically, "Lethal injection?" The 3rd dog shakes his head and looks at his paws: "No, I'm here having my nails done."
The 2nd dog is asked why he's here. He sadly responds: "I'm a biter. I bit my master's son twice last week." He's also asked: "Lethal injection?" He slowly nods his head.
The third dog volunteers: "I'm a humper. My master was bent over last night, and her behind was so inviting that I couldn't help myself, and I humped her." The other dogs ask sypathetically, "Lethal injection?" The 3rd dog shakes his head and looks at his paws: "No, I'm here having my nails done."
06-03-2004 | 11:32 AM
#140
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 34,113
Likes: 109
From: Canton, MA
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"