A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up.

The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please doctor, tell my husband."

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.

The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"

The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal."

The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she'll have to take the bus."

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

 

Here's a link to something that most of us can relate to: Seniors

 

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an
hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him,
grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver.
"I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.
"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no
Insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my
Wallet was still in the cab.

At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my
life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

 

ARE YOU THE WEAKEST LINK?

Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You can't take your
time.

Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK? Let's find out just
how smart and clever you really are. Ready? Set? ... GO!


FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the
second person. What position are you in?



ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely
wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are
second! Try not to screw up in the next question.




To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took
for the first question. (You know you took too much time.)




SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?




ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are
wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!




THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your
head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?




ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't
believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right?




LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini,
Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?





ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The fifth daughter's
name is Mary. Read the question again.


You ARE the WEAKEST LINK!!

 

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Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
"It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame
this on my dad. The reason I'm three
hours late? Dad sleeps nights in the raw!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for
thirty-some-odd years.So she asked little Sammy
what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears.

Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy
and Trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth. "You see,
Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote.

The last Few nights HE done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat.
And last night, when Dad heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he
grabbed his gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna
git him!'"

"'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids, I wouldn't want ya hurt!' He was
naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the henhouse he
crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double
barrel through the window of the coop.

As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound
dog Zeke had done woke up and come asneakin' up behind Dad. Then we all
looked on plumb helpless as Dad was cold-nosed without warnin'."

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three
o'clock this mornin'!"