My wife thought this was hilarious...


THE WASH CLOTH


"I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a
little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the wash cloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

 

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven. There he was greeted by
George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at
him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted,"You
wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I
allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama with a long cane and
said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the
Declaration of Independence!"

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and
66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim
terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared.
Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you
promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you
in heaven. What did you think I said?"

 

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period
for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys
a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did
this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a
call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very
expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the
living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a
beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy
will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is
twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do"?

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him, "Then you try again."

 

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.

He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph! Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

 

Sister Marlena entered the Monastery of Silence and
the Abbot said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may
not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Marlena lived in the monastery for 5 years
before the Abbot said to her, "Sister Marlena, you
have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Marlena said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said. "We will get
you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Marlena was called by
the Abbot. "You may speak two words, Sister Marlena."

"Cold food," said Sister Marlena, and the Abbot
assured her that the food would be better in the
future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbot
again called Sister Marlena into his office. "Two
words you may say today, Sister."

"I quit," said Sister Marlena.

"It is probably best," said the Abbot. "You've done
nothing but bitch since you got here."

 

If I could, I would enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC.

But, I'm over 50+ now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier.

If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?" An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly. An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early (to pee).

If old guys are captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, to wear pants without the top of the butt crack showing and the boxer shorts sticking out, to learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home and to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible death. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.

 

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with
beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to
death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir,
I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more
outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your
Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every
time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

 

Just Like Home

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are
tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're
married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

***************
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.

***************
A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger
shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "So then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not
shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is go! ing to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

*****************
Did you hear about the near-trage dy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

*****************
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to
a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a
blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happen. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing? The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

****************
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while
covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust! , took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses." "I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

 

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.