Many of you have been down the road of dealing with aging/ill parents. It's never easy. We've discussed various aspects of this topic here. We've been down the road with my Dad, and both of Rick's parents. Mom is 90, lives alone and is quite healthy, except for a couple issues. She and we have been very fortunate. She's never had any long term illness or chronic pain. When she has an issue she wants it addressed and cured ASAP. Not quite realistic. Of late, every minor medical issue seems to become a bit of an obsession or cause for worry, anxiety on her part, and ends up involving the aid of one of her children.

Last night she called my sister at 10:45 PM saying her nose would not stop bleeding. My sis headed over there and expected to see a bloody face, or a mess and figured they would be going to the ER. Nope, Mom was in the lobby, with a tissue with very little blood on it. She has some irritation, sore in her nose and there was blood on the tissue which raised the alarm for her. An overreaction to say the least. My sis took her home with her for the night and all was well. Minor bleeding on a tissue and my sis gets a late night call?

Emails were flying about this AM with sibling concerns and thoughts. Mom always had plenty of common sense and is a practical woman, but that common sense doesn't seem to be surfacing quite so often in these times. Along the way it is revealed that when this kind of thing happens, Mom fears the worse and gets anxious to be alone. Some anti anxiety medication may be needed.


My older two siblings are more available for "daytime issues" and appointments. If this trend continues, (and at her age it's likely) I fear a rough ride for Mom, my siblings and myself. In their (elderly) mind, things always seem to be worse when the doctor's office is closed, my local sister and I will get the late night calls.

Did you folks notice the same type of thing in your parents as they aged? I'm pretty sure it's not unusual, but having been down this road before, it's not one I look forward to traveling on again. It's emotionally draining for all. Mom has been so fortunate to be so active, any decline in her ability or independence is not going to be easily accepted. Not sure what is next...just thinking out loud and appreciate the .02 you folks have on this topic.

 

My Mom is 84 and has mild dementia. We recently took her off cholesterol medication. At this stage it didn't seem that important, plus we had read it may contribute to dementia. We have seen a marked improvement in her mental abilities over the last few weeks. Maybe coincidence, maybe not, but if your parent is taking this stuff, you might consider having it stopped.

 

Mom takes a boat load of cholesterol medication, BP medication and a couple others. She also has some blockages in her corotid (sp?) arteries and her legs. Not serious enough for surgery, but cause for some concern. There could be other issues we are not yet aware of.

Medications may need to be reviewed.

 

Lainey, I'm no help with this. My mom never told me about her health worries until after the fact, and she died in her bed at 68. My dad had Alzheimer's and that took him into his own little world. He never complained. Well, he did get agitated at sundown, like others in the Assisted Living place with Sundowner's Syndrome.

I don't want to sound mean but your mom is 90 so you know things can only get worse. You and your siblings might want to discuss what to do when she can't be alone anymore, before it happens. I know one woman with two sisters and they each take their mom for two months at a time. I had my dad for one night and there was no way I was willing to take on that job.

I toured Assisted Living places months before my dad was ready. I found the one I liked best and took him to lunch there. I got on their waiting list and his name came to the top twice before he was ready to go in. They had a dementia side that he moved into when that time came, where he couldn't wonder off and they checked on them more often.


^Feb. 8, 2006 in my dad's assisted living studio apartment.

^Feb. 8, 2006. I put things in his room to try to make him feel like it was his place and help remind him of his past.


^Feb. 22, 2007. This was in the dementia side of the place. He kept falling and was more and more confused so I had him moved over to the other side. It was a nice place.


^Me and my dad when we were around 41 and 9 years-old.

 

Patty, in no way would I think your comments are mean. I'm realistic here. She is 90. I even mentioned assisted living could be in Mom's future when speaking with my sister this AM. Mom has very little $, no home or assets. She may even qualify for assisted living "on the dole", there are programs. It will be something we may have to check in to if things go downhill. Keeping up her modest apartment is becoming a chore for her. None of us mind pitching in but there is only so much we can do. We all love Mom, but having her live with any of us for any extended time is not even being discussed. I don't think Mom would want that, and I know I don't. It may sound selfish, but I can't do 24/7.

Right now she is dealing with some sciatic pain and I think she is so focused on that, that nothing is "normal" for her and she's not coping well.

We'll see.

Appreciate the comments, folks.

 

My Dad was in his late nineties when he died a couple of years ago. He spent parts the last few years in an assisted living facility, but never liked living there at all. His mind was very sharp until the end, but he worried the family, because at home he kept falling and breaking things on his body that he needed to get around and to function.
My mom, who had died a couple of years earlier, functioned well in the assisted living home, but she had begun to be forgetful, and she mixed up the names of family members and friends as well as other features of "reality".

Patty, that's a great photo of you and your dad at 41!

 

Those are nice pics, Patty. It's a tough call, as we've certainly discussed here many times. I'm thinking your mom, Lainey, is wanting attention, for whatever reason. Maybe she likes living alone, but is feeling more insecure. Is there a way you and your siblings can rotate going by there to check on her - some kind of schedule? Then she would know someone is coming at a certain time. I do think more structure is needed with aging relatives, especially with those who have dementia. Auntie did great pretty much up to the end (at 99) as long as she maintained her routine. She knew her room, where things were. When she got out of it (such as when I had to take her to the doc), she did not do well and was very frightened. So I avoided taking her except when absolutely necessary.

My mom is doing very well, still, at home, but I/we see her almost every weekend and I call her every morning at 8 AM. She also has an emergency call pendant she wears. She is willing to go to assisted living, if necessary, but I'm hoping to bring someone in as needed. The less disruption in her sense of well-being, the better. We have set up requirements for her to stay there, such as house cleaning by a service once a month and yard service. Other than that, I'm taking care of some of her financial affairs. She does write her own checks to pay the few bills she has. So she can control her life as much as possible. So far, so good...

 

Good suggestions, Deb. We may need to make a plan to get things a bit more organized for Mom, maybe pick up a few of her tasks to relieve any stress she might be feeling. Her bills are paid, on time, but she lacks some organizational skills that my Dad had. Clutter and lots of if. If my sisters and I are going to be in there helping, she may not like some of the changes we may need to make to keep things in order.

She has a pretty active social life, that will be difficult to maintain if she has difficulty getting around or if other medical issues surface. While she is grateful for the efforts we make to spend time with her, she also can be difficult to please. One sister will often make an offer or gesture and doesn't feel it is well received due to what we call the lack of "fun factor" Mom seems to require. Mom can be stubborn.

I do appreciate the posts folks. I'm tired and cranky today and feel my plate is pretty full with a full time job and caring for my grandkids on Saturday. Time is something I seem to need more of, and it looks like I'm going to have less of it. Sorry if this comes across as whining or selfish.

 

Love the pics of you at 8 and 39, with your dad LOOK CLOSELY everyone b/c all of us are going to trade places....just like Patty and her Dad. Now that I'm in my mid-60s, I'm realizing that more than ever....thus things like my 1968 Dart come up: now or never.

3 of our parents died before age 80, but Kathy's Mom died at 92. She moved to a small retirement facility in her early 80s and absolutely THRIVED with the improved social scene. Her mind was clear as a bell. The family felt good that, even though living independently in a small apt, she DID have assistance "in house" if needed....plus at least one good meal per day.

 

More emails last night. The sister who went to the rescue for the nose that would not stop bleeding has filled us in. The bleeding was not of any volume that would cause concern. It was barely spotting. Mom's perception/reaction to this situation is what is.

She has an MD appointment on Monday. I think my brother is going with her and hopes to address this anxiety issue. In all honesty, I don't think Mom is ready to hear it, not to take any meds. This will be slow going. It took YEARS for her to admit that she could benefit from hearing aids.

Hopefully, she'll get some answers/relief on her sciatic issue soon, either way, we'll keep an eye on her and check in more often.