Could be worse. She could have *not* waited for the perfect man and married a completely wrong one.

To Lainey:
It's nice that you feel comfortable enough with folks to share like this here and get the support you need. When life dumps on you, you have people who understand, and that is such a blessing.

 

^
Thanks. I know there are good folks here. BTW, not really feeling dumped on, I'm/we're just going over an unpleasant speed bump on the road of life.

 

I'm not sure which is worse, having sisters and brothers who don't take care of themselves or having sisters and brothers who cause a family fight so severe that they break away from the family.

About 30 years ago, my older sister, in a jealous rage, accused my younger sister of all kinds of nonsense. There was very bad feelings and my older sister (and her husband) stopped talking to my younger sister (and her husband) and my mother and father. I refused to take sides and continued to talk to all. About 5 years later, when my oldest son was born, my mother bumped into my oldest sister at my son's bris and for a very short period all was forgiven and the family came together again.

About 4 years later my older sister went into a rage again. This time she accused me of all sorts of nonsense, accused my younger sister of all sorts of nonsense and said things to my mother and father that still amaze me.

The bottom line is that my little family and my younger sister's family haven't seen or talked to my older sister or her husband for 20 years. My father, who loved my older sister very much, died without seeing her for 15 years, and my mother, who died last year hadn't seen her for close to 20 years.

I guess it's very sad to see loved relatives not take care of themselves and suffer the consequences, but it's also sad to see a family split apart because of some nonsense. I'm not sure which is worse.

 

Lainey,

Many of us have made poor choices in our lives. That is made obvious in the statement: If I had only known that I was going to live this long, I would have taken much better care of my self.

In the end, no matter what choices one makes we are all going to die. It is just a matter of when and how. I am reminded of an usher at a Baltimore Orioles game that I went to back in the 70's. The usher, that was in his 70's and did this just to have interaction with people had a belt buckle (back when big belt buckles were popular) that stated: "Never take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive".

As some of you may know, since I have retired I have been driving limo's and the company that I work for most of the time has contracts with most of the funeral homes in Northern Virginia. Therefore, I have attended dozen's of funeral (many at the Arlington National Cemetery) over the past thirteen months and it has caused me to pause, reflect enough that I am going to re-write my will.

 

^Interesting, Matt. I overheard you say you were driving limos, at Spring Fling. Do you like it?

I think about life a little differently now, also. Volunteering at a hospital, with mainly women who are in their 60's, 70's, 80's and some in their 90's, I've heard life views I never had before. A common theme is that the widows and some divorces are done with men. The woman who trained me 5 years ago told me, "Don't be a purse and don't be a nurse."

 

We all do make choices, some good, some bad. When we continue to make bad choices, our "luck" often runs out.

Yes we will all die, but I don't see the point of rushing it with bad choices. However, everyone will decide for themselves. For those who make better choices or make efforts to improve their lives and are still dealt what I'd call a raw deal, I tend to feel a bit more empathy towards them.

 

It is important to realize that we do not make choices that turn out to be poor intentionally. People make the best choice they can under the circumstance. We can look back now and realize that a particular choice was not the best but at the time that decision was not available to us. It is important not to beat yourself about decisions that were made in the past that you now realize were not optimal. You did the best that you could at that time.

 

That's a good point, Herman. I can think of some really stupid decisions I made with regards to men I had relationships with. I even knew at the time that there was something wrong with it but I became involved anyway. The good thing is that I learned from those mistakes. Never again will I make those exact ones. Other ones, yes, but not those.

 

Thanks for all the responses. The choices I was reflecting on were more the ones with physical consequences. The choice to continue to eat poorly even though someone is diabetic, the choice to continue to drink, or take drugs even though you know your body can't take much more. Maybe there have been several "wake up calls" of a physical nature, hospitalizations, yet you still continue down that path, affecting spouses, parents, siblings, family members as they stand by and worry about you.

I realize I'm really talking addictions here and maybe that's a whole other thread....

I've visited my brother in the rehab facility. His spirits have improved, he's trying to move about better, cooperating with the physical therapy folks, and he's in a good facility. Hopefully, he will make better choices for his physical health when he is discharged.

I/we also spoke to my brother in law today. He had tough choices about treatment options and has made them. None of his options were great. It's been a day today.

 

My mother died of a heart attack at 45, and my sister (48 today) smokes anyway. She's not stupid, but she makes bad choices. Nothing I can do.

The older I get, the more I realize that I've been the beneficiary of extremely good luck. Born in the US at or near the peak of it's power, rather than in Rwanda so I could live through (or not) the genocide (to give one possible no-win example). Married the perfect wife for me, which is totally luck ... you don't really know the person until you've been married 10 years anyway. It's 20 for us this year, I lucked out. And maybe most importantly, I'v managed to not get bitten by poor choices (driving like a maniac until I was well past 20, like many here). It could just as easily gone the other way. I was also born lucky enough to not be pulled in the direction of too much drink, food, substances, or other pitfalls.

I quit taking credit for most of this years ago, and I try very hard not to judge others who weren't as lucky as I.

"Choices" are only choices assuming you were born with enough willpower to resist the easy path. Not everyone is. Count your blessings, and bite your tongue. If it's family, do what you can to help, to the degree that makes sense. It's all you can do.