engifineer

Received news of the passing of a friend and ex coworker today. I met him over 10 years ago at a job, worked with him there and then again when he came to work for us at the company we started in 2019. It was becoming apparent he was coming in drunk some days. We had talks with him, offered him time off, help to find treatment, etc. He admitted he had suffered with anxiety and had gotten to the point he had to take a few shots of liquor every morning just to get out of bed and face the day. He said he was getting help, but the issues persisted and then before we could talk about it again he quit suddenly. I kept checking in with him over this past 3 years and even over text it was obvious he was not well. He always played it off as he was doing well but I could always tell otherwise. He took another job right after leaving our company and he stopped showing up on the 2nd day and they had to let him go. Up until he passed yesterday his mom thought he had still been working there for the past 3 years. She thought he still hung out with some of us on a regular basis even though other than my check ins, we never saw or heard from him in 3 years. He had her convinced everything was ok and he was working and doing well I do not know how he passed yet but I know how his life was torn apart due to this. Even if it were a random accident it saddens me knowing his last years were a downward spiral. He was a very talented RF engineer, roughly 40 years old now I think. All thrown away and destroyed via alcoholism. This hit us pretty hard today obviously.

And to make this worse, his sister passed away from cancer earlier this year, so I cannot imagine what their mother is going through right now.

Folks, whether it be loved ones, friends, coworkers, etc, if you see someone doing this, be a pest, try your best to get into their world and let them know you can help or are willing to help at least. It is crazy how well some can hide these things from their family and friends, especially when they basically isolate themselves.

MsPerky

Sadly, there is only so much you can do, as some of us know only too well. My sister spent years trying to help her son with his addictions. He died at 42. His father (sis’ second husband) was also an alcoholic. He died not long before my nephew did. My sister died last Sept, never having really gotten over the loss.

engifineer

Very sorry to hear that. I am 48 and have gone through this with people close to me too many times for one lifetime and hope to never have to again. 3 of them suicide due to addiction struggles (and two of them were brothers). And others that have kept struggling and really damaged their lives permanently due to it.

What I have learned well through it all is there is a big difference between substance abuse and addiction. Addiction is its own animal and addicts are not wired the same as the rest of us, making it nearly impossible for them to change their behaviors. Not completely impossible, but a lifetime struggle they can never stop fighting with.

Kyras

Addicts have to want to get help. That's where the problem lies. You can't make it happen no matter how much you want them to.

engifineer

Yep very true. And what someone very close to me learned through rehab and treatment was that they cannot just stop that one thing. They are addicts which means they get addicted to things that provide instant gratification. Stopped one drug, got addicted to drinking, stopped that, would blow all their time (And lose jobs) due to getting addicted to video games, and so on. They have to realize this about themselves and then seriously want help to ever overcome it.

boltonblue

I think the best blessing one can have is to be comfortable in your own skin.
That is to say, you understand who you are and like that person.
As teens I think almost all of us struggled with our identity and coming to grips with it.

Who knows what starts an addicts journey. What starts the cycle of self-abuse and escape.
I become shocked at the alcohol intake volume of so many upwards of 2 liters a day.
Some manage to continue this for a long period and continue to function.
Insurance agents and lawyers fall into this category.

My grandfather was an alcoholic and my grandmother had divorced him in the late 1940s.
She had no tolerance for alcoholics, She was a chef and talked of employees who would steal Vanilla for it's alcohol.
I can't even contemplate what that would taste like.

cosmomiller

Our next door neighbor and good friend whose boys grew up with our kids, became a raging alcoholic after a nasty split with her doctor husband. She is a vet. Her actions defied understanding and she admitted as much. I just could not understand why intelligent people would do what they were doing because of addiction. I wound up volunteering as a peer "mentor" for local fellow airline pilots who went through what was known as "spin dry" but is an FAA approved rehab program. If a pilot goes through the extensive program and continues to pass frequent drug/alcohol testing, they may continue to fly. Lots to the program; I won't get into it all. I went to a 3 day seminar that went through the program known as HIMS or Human Intervention Motivational Study. After that I was designated a mentor. I met with pilots monthly, usually over Mexican lunch, and talked about things. I sent my report to the FAA designated Aviation Medical Examiner (flight doc) who was in the pilot's program. The success rate for pilots is the highest of any occupation with almost 98% success rate. Ordinary alcoholics who go to AA have a less than 10% total abstinence rate. Why do pilots do so well? Besides the very structured program, it is the only way to keep going at a job pilots love dearly. If you screw up, you are done with your job.

I have heard it can be a genetic thing or develops over time. I have frequently heard alcoholics say they were hooked on the first drink they had. They say it was an amazing feeling of self. Addiction really hijacks the decision making part of your brain and can result in decisions that seem insane to another person. It seems to me that those people who really surrender to God or what AA calls a higher power, can receive genuine relief. That is part of the AA program and that program is incorporated into HIMS. I went to some AA meetings to get a feel for it and was blown away by some of the stories that came out. I had no idea.

Now that I know what I know, I look back on my youth and now see how many alcoholics there were in my friend's families and other people. My best friend's father was a daily drinker and smoker but he was the nicest drunk ever. He died from it. My next door neighbor, also a sweetheart, always had that alcohol breath. So many others, some quiet, some getting worse and worse over time until they died. My sister's husband, a drinker of astonishing quantities, died a few years back at 63.

Lainey

I've had family members who had alcohol issues. One joined AA, the other quit on his own. I never developed a taste for alcohol, rarely drink and don't enjoy feeling even a little bit buzzed. Same with pain pills, I have no fear of becoming addicted to them. I have used them when needed and been happy when I didn't use them. Yet, some say they were hooked from the first pill. I'm guessing there has to be some genetics involved here.

Sadly, we can't help those who aren't ready to be helped. I am sorry for the loss of your former co-worker.

zeroptzero

dealing with loved ones or friends who are alcoholics is one of the worst things a person can experience. They are extremely clever at fooling people when they want, they can be very mean and hurtful when drunk and then the next day they don't remember any of the bad things they did. I've seen it first hand. My wife has several family members who are alcoholics, my wife refuses to take a drop of alcohol because of that, and her fear is that it may be genetic. In our experience we really tried hard to help them and usher them towards a better life, but at the end of the day they did not want to change, the lies and deception eventually drive people away from helping.

Thomas Guide

Sometimes, life just isn't worth living and nobody can understand what anyone else is going through or the decisions they make and why.