VTEXTC

Hey folks.

Guess you could say that right now, I am feeling a little albeit a little sad at the same time. My girlfriend of almost a year and I, are having some challenges. Here's the deal.

I work shift work, and ever since I completed training (6 mos Mon-Fri routine) in May, have been doing so. A schedule such as mine relagates me to a life of darkness, days, sometimes weeks of nightshifts and weekend work. My g/f works "bankers" hours if you will, and is off every other Friday and has the weekends all to her self. See, therein lies the problem. While in training, we would see each other every Friday and Saturday and go out on a "date" or just spend quality time together, since I too had weekends off. Now that isn't all that possible. We end up chatting on the phone every night (since we dont live together) and see each other on average once a week. The last three weeks have been rough since my hours have been interfering with hers, and as a result, we have only spent one day in the last two weeks together. Rough I know!

I know..I know, this is reality folks. I also know that I made a commitment to her and to myself that we would have a happy and trouble free relationship. She feels however, that I am not making any attempt to make this work. My dearest is of the opinion that even on my days off, it seems like I don't want to be with her. I tried explaining that when I work till 7am the night before, it will likely be 2-3PM before I get up the next day, day off or not. And then there are all the other realities of life...appointments, banking, bill payments etc. etc, not to mention other family and friends. How do I manage all of this in my 2-3 days off per week? ARGH! What to do? She is quite obviously unhappy and sad. Myself, I'm beginning to go down the dark path of frustration.

Any tips? Comments? Then there's always the realm of selfishness. Am I thinking far too much of myself and not enough of those around me? What could I do to make things better?

Thanking you all for your help in advance.
Sleepless in Calgary
Asif

The Gasman

I'm sorry to say, she's right. I've been in multiple relationships that were harder than this. They all ended because of personal incompatability issues and not because of lack of effort. I don't know how old you are, but your excuses sound selfish (ouch, I know). Relationships are all about sacrifice. I am taking this from reading your post.

On the other hand, working horrendous hours, no one else can truly understand your hours. As a person who just finished a year of working 110 hours/week, I became very efficient at getting necessity done so I could spend time with friends, family, and girl....

So if you don't truly love this girl, let things take their course and when you "grow up," maybe you'll find her again, or the person who is right for you.

P.S. I know some of this sounds mean, please understand that that is not my intention at all and I'm sure other posts will have different and possibly better advice than me. So please realize that this is IN MY OPINION ONLY....

I hope you figure things out, and maybe this helped.

VTEXTC

Raj,

Not mean at all. My intent was to seek out opinions.
Accolades for honesty.
Asif

DoGMaN

Hey bud.

I always wonder how you men in blue end up with a family life that works considering the stresses and dangers of the job and the hours to boot! However did she not realize this is what you intended on doing as a career when you started dating?

I married a girl who realized what I did, or was going to do and that my career is a part of what I am and a part of the relationship. If you can lay out the ground rules on what you both need to be complete then you can work these silly issues out. You might have to prioritize and organize your extra little bits outside the relationship like sleeping, around her schedule if you wish to keep this intact.

Relationships are never totally easy so don't be too surprised when these things come up.

You could marry her and then in 2 years she'll be glad you aren't around so much

VTEXTC

[QUOTE]Originally posted by DoGMaN
[B]Hey bud.

Relationships are never totally easy so don't be too surprised when these things come up.

HondaGal

Here is my 2 cents...

Coming from a police family. My Dad started with the City police when I was 2 years old. Old bugger is still working

You work 12 hours shifts, 4 on, 4 off, 5 on, 3 off, or something to that effect. Nights are the pits, because when you are off at 7am you are dead tired, and need your sleep. You waste your first day off, just trying to replenish your body. As you get older you slow down and shift work get's even tougher. My parents were married and they both made the decision to allow him to become a police officer. In the old days, 6 months at police college (in the same city) he was not allowed to come home everynight, just on weekends. All ready the pits. and a 2 year old snot nose precious baby girl (that would be me ) There were tough times because he wasnt home much and didn't do much around the house when he was off.

There is a bit of history.

A couple of points: Asif, you have decided you want to enfore the law (very commendable job) police deserve more respect than they get. Thoughout your years you obtain many accomplishments, many sad times. You will come home one day in tears because of your work. And, the only one who can understand your feelings are your fellow partners. Not your wife, or girlfriend or even family. You become so close with your partner, that you develop a strong relationship. And when things get rough or stressfull you turn to your partner (fellow officer) as well as your fav alcholohic beverage.

So my point is, your girlfriend can not possibly understand what you do, or what you go through. This is not her fault, and you ultimately can not explain everything to her. Even you at this time may not know what is in store with your career. You need to sit down with your girlfriend, tell her what your job is, the hours you work, the time you need to sleep, the time you need alone, the unwinding time, your stress relief time. She needs to understand because you have chosen a career that is unpredicatable. If is hard for a police person to be asked to explain their day. How was your day dear.. well, ..... she will stop asking, because she is not living it.

On the other side, she does have an understanding of what police do, and she worries. Everytime you go to work, you never know, and because she cares about you, it is understandable that she will be concerned. She knows this is what you wanted to do in life, but when you get that 8-5 job, you will be quite a bit older. The question is, can you guys come to an agreement of each other's needs, are you willing to put that extra effort into the relationship?

If you are a corporate person as dogman is (pencil sharpener) you are working long hours, you fly here, you fly there, but you always come home. Where as a police person, may not, due to the risk side of the job.

My mom spent years waiting for that phone call, and it came... Talk about stress. It is human nature to worry, and I suspect that is where your girlfriend is at.. The other issues, of not spending time, are just a small part of it.

Relationships/marriages with police people and non police people very rarely work out. Why? some of the things I said above. There is a high percentage of divorce. The men and women police officers get together, *because the understand) and they don't always work out. I am just speaking from what my dad has told me. It takes two storng people to make a law enforcement relationship work, both parties have to want it to work.

I maintain, that I will never marry a police officer, nor will there be kids, because it is a different life, and very stressfull on both parts.

So, sit down, decide what you want, then talk with your girlfriend tell her what you need, and come to an agreement. It might not work, or it just very well might, and be extra strong....

Sorry to ramble on, and jumping around
Shelley

bboersma

Word of advice: Don't tell her work is your priority, make sure you make her believe she is the top priority otherwise she will put you in a severe long term dog house.

Of course my honest advice would be to call her a
Cracka' Hoe and move on to the next lady waiting in line.

xviper

Sorry to hear of your grief, my friend. I've only met her briefly once so I can't pass judgement on her. You and I have the type of jobs that has an extremely high "divorce" rate. Although I hope you two work it out, if it should come to an end, it's better that it be now than later when so much more will be at stake. You are both at an age when your lives are vibrant and full of opportunity. It is this dynamic nature of your lives that most people strive to pick from all those "options" to make plans and have a kind of outline in mind for what the rest of your lives should look like. She obviously sees these plans being "corrupted" by a set of circumstances that seem almost impossible to overcome. A year can be too short a time to develop that "understanding" that a couple needs - an understanding that would eventually lead to "comfort". The achievement of that comfort level in a relationship can forgive many shortcomings. If you are going to make it, you must put the effort into nurturing that understanding but it takes two - one won't do.
If you cash in your chips now you may walk away with more left in your pocket. If you stay in the game you may lose much more but on the other hand you might win big. What should you do? It's not simply a matter of what you want but also of what she wants. Do you both see the same goals? Or are your goals different? If your goals are the same, is the path that must be taken to get there the same for both or do they diverge? If they are too divergent, you may not be able to see far enough down that road to see if the paths come back together. Sometimes, this uncertainty is what tears people apart. Sometimes, this uncertainty can be an adventure, a challenge but not all people can cope with such a challenge. And here again, comes the issue of understanding, a great deal of which is required to be satified that the road will indeed come together. Do you have that understanding? Do you have that comfort?
None of us can really tell you what to do. But if you can answer some of these questions, perhaps you will be able to tell yourselves what needs to be done.
Good Luck.

DoGMaN

Hey she makes a lot of good sense.

Outside of calling me a pencil sharpener! And for the record given the current work climate I could come home dead sometime too!

I don't think you're being selfish Asif...you made this choice a long long time ago.

FormerH22a4

Asif, I am beginning to really think women are somewhat selfish. She should understand the circumstances and she should be the one also to "make an effort" Why does it all have to be you. It sounds like she is pointing fingers in your direction bud. Guys can only do so much, the gals have to step up to and give some effort also. I think it comes down to how bad you guys want to make it work, but if she isnt' willing to help and just complain then time to re-evaluate Asif.

The woman and I are on a break, because of the situation similar to the inequality of effort. I spoiled her a bit in the past and she comes to expect most of the effort comming from me. I got into a phase where I wanted just to relax and she sees it as a lack of effort. Needless to say we are on a break. I am enjoying the freedom so far.

Remember no matter what they say, it isn't all our fault. It takes two to tango so they say