Joke of the Day Thread!
02-14-2006, 06:39 AM
#71
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Why have dogs fixed?
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and
to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and
said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time
round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home."
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and
to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and
said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time
round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home."
02-15-2006, 04:46 AM
#72
NEW MERGERS:
For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil
deal, the AOL/Time Warner implosion, and the Sears/KMart
wedding, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you
can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in the near future:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush,
and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace
2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers
join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood
4. Z! ippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and
Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa
5. Fed Ex is expected to join its major competitor, UPS,
and become: FedUP
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women
will become: KnottNOW!
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under
the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
For all of you with any money left in the wake of the Exxon/Mobil
deal, the AOL/Time Warner implosion, and the Sears/KMart
wedding, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you
can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in the near future:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush,
and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace
2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers
join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood
4. Z! ippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and
Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa
5. Fed Ex is expected to join its major competitor, UPS,
and become: FedUP
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women
will become: KnottNOW!
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under
the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
02-15-2006, 06:48 AM
#73
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03-06-2006, 08:45 AM
#74
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
(Don't ya love military time?!)
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
(Don't ya love military time?!)
03-06-2006, 12:10 PM
#77
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What
does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What
does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
03-20-2006, 08:43 AM
#78
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A burly, tattooed biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live close by there. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk with the old girl. On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live close by there. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk with the old girl. On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
04-27-2006, 05:53 AM
#79
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A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d of a f**king bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f**king bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f**king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating bast**d of a f**king bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
04-27-2006, 05:57 AM
#80
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A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at him and saying hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "Do you know me?" to which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"
She said, "No, I'm your son's Math Teacher."