When you click on links to various merchants on this site and make a purchase, this can result in this site earning a commission. Affiliate programs and affiliations include, but are not limited to, the eBay Partner Network.
If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those
responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City
and Washington DC.
But, I'm 50+ now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down
terrorists.
You can't be older than 35 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds
off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year- olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys
only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than
28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier
is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them
into submission.
"My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!"
"Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war
until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy,
on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's
35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do
wonders for the old beer belly
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys get up early every morning to pee.
If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd
probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial
number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys.
We're used to getting screamed and yelled at
and we actually like soft food.
We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles.
We like them almost better than naps.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however.
I've been in combat and I didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope
hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing
basic training.
I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."
And the running part is kind of a waste of energy.
I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and
to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer
shorts sticking out.
He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food
particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda
Accord can rupture an eardrum.
All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about
life before sending them off to possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our
hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right
now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.
Share this with your senior friends
(It's purposely in big type )
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
Carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get
tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
Lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
Rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
Hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
Actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar
in it, but
We weren't overweight because
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
When the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
The hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
Bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no
99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
Phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
Rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us
forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it
would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang
the bell, or just yelled for them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
Had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They
Actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
And inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
Kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own
good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave
their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE Of TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT. I'M GETTIN' A FAX."
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing
home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Lisa
asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Lisa," said Mr. Goldstein, "My private part died today, and
I am very sad."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists -- a Yale graduate and a redneck.
They were given a single word, and then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu." First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination - Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' we went;
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, and we was two'
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
12-30-2005, 06:09 PM
