Popeye

A drunk walks into a bar and asks to use the mens room:

"Go down that hall, first door on your left" the bartender replies. Two minutes later, the entire bar hears this blood curdling scream coming from the bathroom. One minute later, another bloodcurdling scream. The bartender, concerned, gets up to investigate. He peers into the bathroon and says to the drunk "What's with all the noise? You're scaring my customers." The drunk replies "Every time I try to flush this ing toilet, something squeezes my balls." The bartender says "You, idiot, you're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Bullitt44

grabbed from S2000GT.

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!", I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

efthimios

funniest one I heard today:



we need to start a "who's getting laid at the Mercury" poll because the hef master is talkin some pretty serious smack.. I say he goes home with 5 ladies...you know there names.. Thumb, Index, Second, Middle and pinky

Bullitt44

Rosey Palm and her five step sisters!

efthimios

just don't be asking for sloppy seconds

StwoK

The Thingie .............



There was a man who really took care of his body.

He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day. One day, he took a look
in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over except his "thingie".

So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach,
completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except
for his "thingie" which he left sticking up.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane.

Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up over the sand, she began to
move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady,

"There's no justice in the world". The other lady asked what she meant.

She said, when I was 20,
I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot about it.

Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm
too old to squat.

Bullitt44

another one:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as
he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from is
coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only
16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember
when! your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I
remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The
husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face
and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20
years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his
cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."

M&Ms2k

David1

Here is a good one!

Redneck Love Poem

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

sweetj