Once again, y'all have probably all seen this before, but it bears repeating . And yes, I'm an engineer...


How to understand Engineers - Take One
**************************************************
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along
yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this
bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."

How to understand Engineers - Take Two
**************************************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist,
the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is
twice as big as it needs to be.

How to understand Engineers -Take Three
************************************************** *
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
"What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!

"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word
with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


How to understand Engineers -Take Four
**************************************************
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.

Several years later the companycontacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with
one of their multimillion dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but
to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had
solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day
studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in
chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where
your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

How to understand Engineers -Take Five
*************************************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

How to understand Engineers -Take Six
**************************************************
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?"

How to understand Engineers -Take Seven
*************************************************
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just
look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

How to understand Engineers -Take Eight
*************************************************
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet."

--- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

How to understand Engineers -Take Nine
**************************************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether
it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a
solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to
the lab and get some work done."

How to understand Engineers- Take Ten
**************************************************
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn
me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one
week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it
back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you
I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and
do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time
for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

My favorite...

[QUOTE]What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

 

Great post; it's nice to see that engineers have a sense of humor after all.

 

lvs2k, what are you talking about. Those are all true stories

 

A study was commissioned to evaluate the difference in the thought patterns of engineers, physicists, and mathematicians. One candidate from each group was given the problem of penning-in a herd of sheep, and was given a stack of posts, a roll of wire, and all the tools they would need.

The engineer grabbed the pile of posts and began to walk around the herd of sheep, pounding in posts along the way. Once all of the posts were in he strung up the wire and was done.

The physicist spent two weeks on his PC optimizing the solution, then went out and pounded only three posts into the ground and strung up the wire.

The mathematician threw away all of the posts, wrapped the wire around himself, and defined himself to be the outside.

 

Another study was commissioned, this time to evaluate the difference in the thinking processes of mathematicians, philosophers, physicists, and engineers. Each was given the hypothesis "All odd numbers greater than one are prime" and told to prove it or disprove it.

The mathematician said, "Let's see. Three is prime. Five is prime. Seven is prime. Nine is composite--9 = 3 x 3. Clearly the hypothesis is false."

The philosopher said, "Three is prime. Five is prime. Seven is prime. Proceeding by induction, we see that the hypothesis is clearly true."

The physicist said, "Three is prime. Five is prime. Seven is prime. Nine is not. Eleven is prime. Thirteen is prime. Clearly the hypothesis is true. Nine is just experimental error."

The engineer said, "Three is prime. Five is prime. Seven is prime. Nine is prime. Eleven is prime. Thirteen is prime. . . ."

 

I like the golf one.

 

Are you an Engineer?

Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't
understand.
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

********************
You might be an Engineer if ...

1) choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is
a moral dilemma.
2) you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine
room.
3) in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
4) the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of
your questions.
5) at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
6) you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
7) you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
8) you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own
handwriting.
9) you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and
parallel.
10) you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the
special effects.
11) you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
12) you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
13) you know what "http://" stands for.
14) you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys
together.
15) you see a good design and still have to change it.
16) you spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.
17) you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
18) you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
19) you window shop at Radio Shack
20) your laptop computer costs more than your car
21) your spouse hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
22) you've already calculated how much you make per second.
23) you've tried to repair a $5 radio.

 

LOL that is a good one!!! best out of the bunch!!