A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep. The man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you
could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have better idea, just for tonight let's pretend that we are married."

The man happily says, "OK. AWESOME!"

The woman says "GOOD..... Get your own f**king blanket."

 

Middle-aged man visits with the doctor complaining of severe headache, abdonminal pain, nausea, joint aches, shortness of breath and insomnia. Doctor examines him, takes samples of body fluids and contents and tell sman to come back the next day for a consultation based on whatever the diagnosis turns out to be.

Man returns to doctor's office and doctor tells him to sit down, the news is not good. Doctor informs him he has "GASH." Man asks, "What is GASH, I have never heard of it. Doctor informs him that it is a very virulent hybrid infection consisting of gonorrhea, Aids, syphilis and herpes. Man holds his head in his hands, sobbing, and asks if any special treatment can be offered. Doctor tells him he will be admitted to the contagious disease ward of the hospital immediately be and placed on a strict diet of pizza and pancakes.
"Pizza and pancakes, why pizza and pancakes?" asks the sobbing patient.
"It's the only food we can slide under the door," says the doctor.

 

Haha...spike's was great!

 

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."

 

THE BRUNETTE
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and tells
him that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams
in agony. She then
pushes on her knee and screams, pushes on her ankle,
screams....and so it
goes. No matter where she touches, she is in agony.

The doctor says,"You're not really a brunette, are you?
You're really a
blonde."

She sheepishly admits that, indeed, she is a blonde.

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

LMAO - No offense to blondes...

 

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark".

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table.

As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is Outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."

 

Thanks guys, I needed a good laugh today. Wish I could thin of a good one to add.

Kirk

 

A Cessna 187RG crashed in a cemetary in a little town. The local newspaper, which was owned by a blonde, gave this report...

Cessna 187RG Crashes in Cemetary, 147 Dead, Digging Continues.