Sorry, I just couldn't resist passing on some of these :-



Ah, yes, divorce , from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
man's genitals through his wallet. "
Robin William

"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died
peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in her car."
Author Unknown

It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up
whom."
Joan Rivers

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd
have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural
experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin.

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman
was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people.
Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen.

There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the
Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."
Unknown

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get
older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle
aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips.

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman
I don't like and just give her a house."
Steven Seagal

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis,
and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on
them?
Marilyn Pittman

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods
comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner."
Roseanne

"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
Johnny Carson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
institution
yet."
Mae West

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get
a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two
aspirin" and "Keep away from children".
A Mum

 

Truly great stuff, Cedric!

 

How do you find all this stuff?

 

"If we had a woman president, there'd never be any wars, never never! But every 28 days, there'd be some severe negotiations!"
Robin Williams, Live at the Met

 

 

My favourite was from Nacy Reagan

" A woman is like a teabag - the longer you leave them in hot water the stronger they get!"

The reason I like it so much is that she got it all wrong - actually, the longer you leave the teabag in the water the weaker the teabag becomes, all the strength goes into the water.

Typical of bird brain Nancy though - gee, she and her husband were such a great pair.

 

Made me smile.

 

Women should not have children after 35.
Really... 35 children are enough.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

Nobody ever laid on their deathbed wishing they had spent more time at the office.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

Nice guys really do finish last.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

Sign In Oriental Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

Sex is hereditary.
If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

The most precious thing we have is life.
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

"I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horsebackriding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."

Shopping tip:
You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was asalted.

"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. (Not all of us!!)

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point
involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

 

HAHAHA!!! These remind me of those quasi-chinese proverbs! Confusius(?) says:


Phi

 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Cedric Tomkinson
[B] "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is