In honor of day tommorah post up ye olde joke or two.

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic irish priest in a small parish."

 

paragraphs please

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said:

"Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home & told his wife - Mary:

"I won the prize for the best toast of the night" ...

Mary said: "Aye, did ye now - and what was your toast?"

John said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

Mary said: "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly & said: "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said: "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.



** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'

he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight."



** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * *

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives

at her door

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.. But where's my

husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down

at the Guinness brewery"

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?";

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and

drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go

quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."



** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and

she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last

night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any

last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

AND THE BEST FOR LAST , an oldie, but a goodie.

drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits

down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues

to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles,

"Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

 

Much better than the first one.

 

^ I was jest warmin up

 

Haahaaaha FUNNY!!!

 

Irish Virginity Test

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his parish priest how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His priest says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself... Virginity Test Kit .... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint, and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, father?"

The priest replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, Paddy, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

“If she says, ‘That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen,’ you hit her with the shovel.

Virgin my ASS!

 

Irish Virginity Test

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his parish priest how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His priest says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself... Virginity Test Kit .... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint, and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, father?"

The priest replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, Paddy, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

“If she says, ‘That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen,’ you hit her with the shovel.

Virgin my ASS!